And When I Die ...

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him and believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88.  His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren't you afraid that he may be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down … And you know men won't ask for directions.”

Switching Channels

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said, "OH for god's sake, Harry.  Leave it on the porn channel.  You already know how to fish!”

No Wonder ...

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body (duh!) and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well … I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone ... I'll be in the shower!
 

All Come In ...

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrive.  St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here.  I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here.  This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are brothers.  Now, go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the Black and Mexican guys?" asked God.

"No!” says Peter, “The Pearly Gates."

Mama Visits ...

Mrs. Martini visited her son, Anthony, for dinner.  He lived with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, Mrs. Martini couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it,” said Anthony, “But I'll email her, just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama


Moral: Never lie to your Mama.

MBA Smart

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as an executive assistant to the owner of a fast-growing computer software company.  The man was in his late sixties, but handsome and hard working.

She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters.  When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.  "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre d.

"Gee," she replied, "Anywhere you say, Dad."

Never Try to Outsmart a College Student

 

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine.  To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:  Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria.

Next to it a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

New Book

A man goes into Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady at the service counter, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?  I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one.  I'll take a copy."

Two Simple Truths ...

#1 Partners help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex they always dress alone.

The moral:  In life no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

 
#2
When I woman is pregnant, her friends will pat her tummy and say, “Congrats.”  But none of them come up, pat the man’s penis and say, “Good Job.”

The moral:  Hard Work is seldom appreciated.

Five Horses ...

A man asked an American Indian Chief the name of his wife.

The Chief replied, “She called Five Horses.”

The man said that hers was a most unusual name and asked if it had any special meaning.

The Chief said, “It an old Indian name … It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG”

NSA did What?

And you thought that you had secrets ...

Live The Dream ...

A Liberal's Nirvana

That's Really Big!

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.  He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am … how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!”

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am.  I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths.  Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am. I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am.  I already know what it is. And the answer is ... four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor ma'am … From the floor.”

Postman Retires ...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him … give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A Duck Goes Into a Bar ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?!  We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Hurry!

An older woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.  "Did you know you were speeding?" he asked politely.

The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated, "Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

 

A Great Discovery

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”

Opinions Expressed ...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Who Gives This Woman?

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Can't Wait ...

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man,” the husband said, “We're both 90 years old and we may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

When I Win ...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Just Fishin'

A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.  He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"


His brother replies, "I'm fishing.  What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid.  If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

The Season of our Discontent?

Aesop said,

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

Plato said,

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."

How nice to know that after all these years ... nothing has changed.

Big Kahuna

Family Tradition

 

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers because his father had been Airborne.  He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day he phoned his father to tell him about his experience.

 

"So, how was your 1st jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane."

I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, so then you jumped?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"A little, at first ...

 

 

 

Just Checkin'

A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he'd spent the previous night.

"Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?" he asks.

"You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night," the bartender assures him.

"Thank God," the man says, greatly relieved. "I was afraid I'd lost that money."

What Would Will Say?

Will Rogers didn't say this ... but he could have

"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand."

Every Comic has Advice for the Prez ...

More Advice from Leno ...

Good Advice ...