I've had so many face lifts that he's really kissing my ASS ...
Well played, Nancy ... Well Played
February 23, 2013
February 22, 2013
February 17, 2013
It just makes sense ...
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for quite a while.”
Billy says, "I'm fine, mommy ... I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
The Mother says, "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, "It works for ketchup."
And the Survey Says ...
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5% said to get a glass of water,
12% said it was to go to the toilet,
83% said it was to go home.
A Message from my Wife ...
Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing and hanging out with the guys, and my better half had left a subliminal message in the kitchen.
I think she wants me to eat more fruits and veggies ... what a sweet & thoughtful woman!
February 09, 2013
I'm Just Asking ...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes" she says …
The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
What a Man ...
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher. However, just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt, and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to some of the toughest students in the school. The smart mouthed punks, having already made the previous teacher quit heard the new teacher was a former Marine. They were leery of him and decided to see how tough he was, before trying any new pranks on him.
Walking confidently into a very rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap and twist up, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence.
Marriage Counselor
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them down and says, "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."
The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."
News from Washington ...
Effective March 1, 2013, aspirin will be heavily taxed under Obamacare.
The only explanation given was that they are white and they work.
No other reason was given, but I thought you'd want know.
Avoid Being Clever ...
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?”
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"
Job Application
As the story goes, a fellow (over 60) was looking for a job and filled out the application at Walmart. We have no way of knowing if this is true, but who cares ... it's Funn-E
Just Two Drops
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender giving her a bright smile.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too. Happy Birthday."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you’re my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Share Critical Information ...
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies after deciding not to mention what had happened.
“Great,” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Cowboy Wisdom
Quote from Summit Brady, a West Texas philosopeher:
"I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought ... man, dogs are easily entertained. And then I realized that I had just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes."
Rodeo Style ...
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What exactly is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
The Children's Sermon
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children't sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the litle boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from the laughter for the worship service to be continued.
Wind Up Her Skirt
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Alabama Study
Another study was done by scientists in Alabama (now you know this is a joke because there are no scientists in Alabama).
The question of the study … When a woman wears leather clothing, why is it that:
1) a man's heart beats quicker
2) his throat gets dry
3) he goes weak in the knees
4) and he begins to think irrationally.
The study concluded: Because she smells like a new truck.
TGIF
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again said, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. “T-G-I-F means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.”
Religious Differences
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
Another Story with a Moral
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
February 08, 2013
Just Wondering ...
Two old guys were sitting in the park, feeding the birds and chatting.
The first one said, “Ya know … when I was 25 and got an erection I couldn’t bend it with both hands.
When I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it about 20 degrees … no problem.
I’m gonna be 75 next week and I can bend it in half with one hand.”
“So what’s your problem,” the second old timer asked.
The first old guy tossed another handful of birdseed and replied, “Well. I’m just wondering how much stronger am I going to get.”
February 06, 2013
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