Seen on US Hwy 15-501 at Lamm's Grove intersection. (near Durham , N.C. )
June 26, 2009
June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day!
Fathers: Then & Now
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2000, fathers are never truly appreciated.
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2000, fathers are never truly appreciated.
June 20, 2009
Growing Wild
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it.
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just isn’t any justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just isn’t any justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
Purina Diet
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had … an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, “No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.”
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
ADVICE FROM MEN TO WOMEN
~ Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
~ Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
~ Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
~ Never buy a “new” brand of beer because “it was on sale.” (This would apply to any and all adult beverages that I appreciate.)
~ What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view!
~ When I ask, “How many guys have you slept with?” It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
~ When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying “Oh, this is our exit, Honey,” is not really necessary.
~ The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. During winter months, it will be slightly, to moderately cooler, than you want it.
~ SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or communicate with your Mother via SKYPE, telephone or Dixie Cup.
~ If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
~ You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
~ It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
~ Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
~ Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
~ Never buy a “new” brand of beer because “it was on sale.” (This would apply to any and all adult beverages that I appreciate.)
~ What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view!
~ When I ask, “How many guys have you slept with?” It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
~ When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying “Oh, this is our exit, Honey,” is not really necessary.
~ The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. During winter months, it will be slightly, to moderately cooler, than you want it.
~ SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or communicate with your Mother via SKYPE, telephone or Dixie Cup.
~ If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
~ You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
~ It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
Sex With Ghosts
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raised their hands."That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said … Goats!"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raised their hands."That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said … Goats!"
Confessional
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "You're on my side. Get out."
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "You're on my side. Get out."
June 14, 2009
Ahh ... To be a Royal ...
We don't have a caption for this one ... and can only imagine what the Prince is saying ...
June 05, 2009
Women ...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
June 02, 2009
Chucky at the Movies
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The woman at the ticket window asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred andMarge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch themovie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred andMarge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch themovie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
Entrance Exam
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, " I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Pedro said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you and may soon be a Supreme Court Justice.
The Officer said, "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, " I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Pedro said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you and may soon be a Supreme Court Justice.
June 01, 2009
Not Much Use In A Fight
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Now Available ...
1st came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, then the plates,
and now ... something for the rest of us
and now ... something for the rest of us
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