December 30, 2010
A Cowboy in Heaven
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and I yelled … Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?
The cowboy leaned over, spit and said, “Couple of minutes ago.”
Plans Scrubbed ...
We've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids was not a good product name.
A Damned Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
As you might expect, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig," she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
So the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
New Government Regulations for 2011
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.
Products will now be labeled "no fat," "low fat," "reduced fat" and "fat, but with a great personality."
WHAT?
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny woman with big blue hair."
December 24, 2010
Traditional Christmas Greeting
To Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To Our Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To Our Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Letter to Santa
A young girl wrote a simple letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa. Please send me a baby brother."
Santa wrote back …
"Send me your mama ..."
What is a Calorie?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!
December 07, 2010
December 06, 2010
Touching Story ...
We overheard a touching conversation between a mother and her son ...
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that freakin’ party, you're lucky you don't bark!”
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that freakin’ party, you're lucky you don't bark!”
Just a Thought ...
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.
December 04, 2010
Amazing Cane ...
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Follow the Instructions ...
One of our fans sent us this list of “instructions” on product Packages, given to us poor, ignorant folks who need help with everything we do. We included our fan’s side comments …
On a bar of Dial soap - Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners - Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but its just a suggestion)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom) - Do not turn upside down. (Well…duh, a bit late)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that be a big time saver?)
On a Children’s Cough Medicine - Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (This one came from England. They don’t have child labor laws?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid - Warning: May Cause Drowsiness. (And I’m taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to…)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Is there a step 3?)
On a Swedish chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain saw with your hands or genitals. (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
How Old are You?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”
“So you're 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
Taser Tester
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference: pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best to explain it...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie our cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it dip shit." But reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
Your muscles contract from the first nanosecond and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. How long did I zap myself? A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!
Sometime later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head that I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Hotel Stay ...
I booked into the hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
December 03, 2010
Think You Have Problems?
When you are down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, just remember:
Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI.
Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI.
(photo borrowed from fireandreamitchell.com)
New Boots
An elderly couple, Martha and David, moved to Texas.
David always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Martha looked him over and said, "Nope."
Frustrated, David stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Martha, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Martha looked up and exclaimed, "David, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, David yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARTHA?”
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Martha replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, David ... Ya Shoulda bought a hat."
November 30, 2010
Give Him an A+
Tiger proves that the therapy is working ....
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
November 23, 2010
The Thanksgiving Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
November 21, 2010
Family Thanksgiving
One year at Thanksgiving my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish game hen, and inserted it into the turkey and re-stuffed the turkey. She put it back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news my sister started to cry.
It took the whole family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
When it was time for dinner my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news my sister started to cry.
It took the whole family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
November 14, 2010
November 11, 2010
November 09, 2010
Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. Without hesitation the robber shot the customer and killed him.
He looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
November 08, 2010
November 04, 2010
November 03, 2010
November 02, 2010
October 31, 2010
October 20, 2010
New Cloaking Device ...
You may need to click on the pic to be able to see it clearly
Attention Blondes: You must look Very Closely at the pic to understand the joke.
Attention Blondes: You must look Very Closely at the pic to understand the joke.
October 19, 2010
Darling Husband ...
My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
October 12, 2010
October 01, 2010
And on the 8th Day ...
One day a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
September 28, 2010
Taste Test
A third grade teacher was teaching her class about the body's senses. The lesson for today was concerned with the sense of taste.
She would have the children put a Lifesavor in their mouths with their eyes closed and then determine the flavor by the taste.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color.
First she gave them a red one that they identified it as cherry. Then a yellow one they decided was lemon. The green one was certainly lime and the orange one was orange.
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers, but none of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I'll will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"
She would have the children put a Lifesavor in their mouths with their eyes closed and then determine the flavor by the taste.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color.
First she gave them a red one that they identified it as cherry. Then a yellow one they decided was lemon. The green one was certainly lime and the orange one was orange.
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers, but none of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I'll will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"
September 20, 2010
Devastating Carnage
Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.
A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants trapped inside those buildings.
September 10, 2010
Very, Very Slowly ...
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ...
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr-Gurrr-King."
September 03, 2010
Butts ...
Princess Letizia of Spain.
First lady Carla Bruni of France.
And, guess who?
And the fashinon sense ... oh my ...
"Sleeveless" is still all the rage ... right?
We always say ... if you've got a Big Butt ... put a bow on it to make certain you have everyone's attention.
First lady Carla Bruni of France.
And, guess who?
And the fashinon sense ... oh my ...
"Sleeveless" is still all the rage ... right?
We always say ... if you've got a Big Butt ... put a bow on it to make certain you have everyone's attention.
September 02, 2010
An Irish Confession
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
August 31, 2010
Updated version of a Dr. Seuss Story
I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree---
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this change and hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree---
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this change and hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
August 17, 2010
July 28, 2010
A Fairy Tale for Men ...
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess ...“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
July 21, 2010
PELOSIUM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.
Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol of Pelosium is PU.
Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
July 16, 2010
July 12, 2010
July 06, 2010
Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 closest friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 closest friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over and two that said he was still there.
Love Poems for the Sexes ...
A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Put on a Good Face ...
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I've some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order.”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”
The woman took another sip of her martini and said to her daughter,“I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone!”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”
The woman took another sip of her martini and said to her daughter,“I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone!”
Three Truths
Our purpose here at www.Funn-E-Stuff.com is to bring humor into the lives of our otherwise humorless readers.
Also, from time to time, we like to pass on a little knowledge because we know that most of you have so little time to read and study.
So, today we bring you … Three Great Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of Christianity
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
OH ... the Pain
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it inplace."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN ... the word is STERNUM!
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it inplace."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief and the pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN ... the word is STERNUM!
What's the Diff ?
What is the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?
Answer: One less drunk at the funeral.
Answer: One less drunk at the funeral.
June 07, 2010
June 06, 2010
Not Certain About Heaven ...
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."
May 19, 2010
There's No Place Like Home ...
The Wizard of Oz Movie is 70 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, She wouldn't be in Oz -
She'd be in Congress
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, She wouldn't be in Oz -
She'd be in Congress
May 12, 2010
April 03, 2010
Losing a Friend ...
THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY ABOUT LIFE & DEATH
AND THE FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE.
IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR UP YOUR HEART and TOUCH YOUR SOUL ...
THIS IS A MESSAGE THAT HAD TO SHARED WITH MY FRIENDS.
I'M STILL CHOKED UP OVER IT!
AND THE FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE.
IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR UP YOUR HEART and TOUCH YOUR SOUL ...
THIS IS A MESSAGE THAT HAD TO SHARED WITH MY FRIENDS.
I'M STILL CHOKED UP OVER IT!
Hard Times ...
We are in the midst of hard economic times.
As as ususal, it is always the young that are hit the hardest.
See in the photo below that this poor young woman can't even afford decent clothing ....
The Poor Baby can't even afford shoes!
Is Congress paying attention?
As as ususal, it is always the young that are hit the hardest.
See in the photo below that this poor young woman can't even afford decent clothing ....
The Poor Baby can't even afford shoes!
Is Congress paying attention?
March 25, 2010
New Symbol
To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, the White House felt it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan you will be getting.
March 22, 2010
Religious Differences
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
What Are Dogs?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
***
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
Sweet Child ...
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - 'cause Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!”
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - 'cause Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!”
Do What?
“Hi Mom, How are you?" the mother heard through the phone.
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the AceHardware store," said the mother.
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?" the mother screeched.
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head," the daughter explained.
"What on earth? Why did you do that?" the mother said in total disbelief.
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the AceHardware store," said the mother.
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?" the mother screeched.
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head," the daughter explained.
"What on earth? Why did you do that?" the mother said in total disbelief.
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
Pancake Therapy
Nancy and John took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “Are these for me?”
“Just take two,” Nancy responded. “The rest are for your father.”
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “Are these for me?”
“Just take two,” Nancy responded. “The rest are for your father.”
Silence is Good
An elderly couple was attending Sunday church services.
About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband. It read, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband. It read, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Help Me?
Randy approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. “Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older man said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older man said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
Welfare
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said that Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first check Friday.
Damn, but this is a great country.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first check Friday.
Damn, but this is a great country.
Test Drive an Escalade
The wife and I took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrate car the seats would blow smoke up your ass the year-round.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrate car the seats would blow smoke up your ass the year-round.
March 09, 2010
Dinner With His Parents
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole being served.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
February 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
“The world needs to forget about everything else and focus on the Tiger Woods scandal,” said the chairman of Toyota.
Health Notice ...
This is the most serious risk to our nations health since the 1918 flu epidemic.
Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become since it is easily cured ... by voting out all incumbents!
Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. And pronounced "gonna re-elect ‘em."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become since it is easily cured ... by voting out all incumbents!
February 15, 2010
Important Information
We thought you might want to know how to spot a gay terrorist ...
His name is:
"YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN"
His name is:
"YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN"
February 12, 2010
Speaking German
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hands.
The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means ... Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.)
The man shouted back, "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied, "Use two hands, you'll get more."
The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means ... Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.)
The man shouted back, "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied, "Use two hands, you'll get more."
January 31, 2010
January 09, 2010
May I help you?
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
January 01, 2010
Happy New Year?
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a New Year's Eve party.
When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" he asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" he asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Three Nuns at a Hocky Game
Three nuns were attending a hockey game.
Three men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Idaho. There are only 100 Nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 Nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Utah. There are only 25 Nuns living there."
One of the Nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell. There aren't any nuns there.”
Three men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Idaho. There are only 100 Nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 Nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Utah. There are only 25 Nuns living there."
One of the Nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell. There aren't any nuns there.”
Parking Lot Scam
As a public service we pass on the following piece submitted by a reader somewhere east of Seattle. He gave us this “heads up” to a scam he discovered near his home. It is probably a Christmas parking lot scam ...
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here'show the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 23-24 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th and 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here'show the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 23-24 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th and 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
Thoughtful Sniper
A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when the bad guy stood up to reply ... BANG! ... one less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask, "How many insurgents have you shot today?" and the soldier will pass on the count. However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed the sniper reported, "Five killed and I let one go."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Bastard!’ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Nancy Pelosi is a Bitch!' And, I’m sorry sir, but I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
After every mission the company commander would ask, "How many insurgents have you shot today?" and the soldier will pass on the count. However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed the sniper reported, "Five killed and I let one go."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Bastard!’ Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Nancy Pelosi is a Bitch!' And, I’m sorry sir, but I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
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