Clean the House ...

New Symbol

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, the White House felt it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan you will be getting.

Religious Differences

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't.

What Are Dogs?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

***

Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.

Sweet Child ...

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - 'cause Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!”

Do What?

“Hi Mom, How are you?" the mother heard through the phone.

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the AceHardware store," said the mother.

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?" the mother screeched.

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head," the daughter explained.

"What on earth? Why did you do that?" the mother said in total disbelief.

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

Pancake Therapy

Nancy and John took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “Are these for me?”

“Just take two,” Nancy responded. “The rest are for your father.”

Silence is Good

An elderly couple was attending Sunday church services.

About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband. It read, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Help Me?

Randy approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. “Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older man said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

Welfare

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said that Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first check Friday.

Damn, but this is a great country.

Test Drive an Escalade

The wife and I took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrate car the seats would blow smoke up your ass the year-round.

Dinner With His Parents

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole being served.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"