Nothing Like a Good Education ...

This was sent to us by an individual who is obviously very interested in education. He is one of those people that believes who believes that students today are being “dumbed down” in order to get them through school. As proof of his position he submitted to us some questions and answers from recently submitted GED exams. You be the judge …

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (really … you can’t argue with that)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head.

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. Then with a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"

"Jeez Cletus … ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

Billy Bob looked around and spoke softly, "Now don't be tellin' nobody 'cause it's embarrassin'. You see, me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department. So, I went to see a Therapist and he toll me that I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed.

Later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out ... how do you put it back without touching it?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others … but I use the spoon.”

Blonde Windows?

A year ago a blonde was convinced to buy some replacement windows for her house. They were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

She received a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed an entire year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blonde said, “Hellloooo … Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year that … “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!”

“Helllooooo?” she said again. “It's been a year.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

The contractor never called back ... and she thought to herself, “I bet he felt like an idiot.”

Story of an Old Sailor

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more … just for old time’s sake.

He stops in at the house of pleasures that he had frequented so many times in his younger years and engages a prostitute who takes him up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can, for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks the woman, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!”

Smart Kids ...

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he? He only had two worms."

Birthday Gift

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks, “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's balls.”

Political Science for Dummies ...

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons and grow poppies to make drugs to buy more weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Best Bar Sign ... EVER

What every wife has been needing ...

Big Story of 2011

Without a doubt, the biggest news story of 2011 was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

We bring you now a photo of the marker by his grave site ...

Hooter's Research

The extensive research concerning Hooters has just been completed:

Two things about Hooters are absolutely clear:

9 out of 10 men prefer women with big hooters ...

and the 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys.

OMG explained ...

Bi-Partisan approved ...

.... Available in all sizes ...

........ Get one while supplies last!

Over 70 Texting ...

To help you understand the older generation, we're supplying you with their texting codes so that you aren't confused.


OLD PEOPLE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
TTYL - talk to you LOUDER
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up!

Another "Sign" of the Times ...

This just about sums it up ... don't you think?

Here's Your Sign ... Again

Things are a little easier down in Alabama ...

Happy Thanksgiving

And now you know how Pumpkin Pie is really made ...







(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2009)

Sign of the Times ...

Nice sign, Bud

JOBS ...

Nuff Said ...

Gone But Not Forgotten ...

We are told that this headstone can be found in Logan, Utah

How Dry Is It?

The New Texas Rain Gauge ...

Changing Parties

After running into Michelle Bachman at the Iowa State Fair, Ex-President Bill Clinton has decided to change parties and be Ms Bachman's personal assistant and advisor.

An E-Bay Problem

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a $5 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit"

and now it seems
I'm only nineteen minutes away
from owning Obama's entire Cabinet.

A Democrat was Right

"You're right, I should have settled for a blow job!"

Good Strategy?

...............

I know this is supposed to be the smartest administration ever, but if I were running a campaign with a fairly unpopular incumbent , the last thing I’d do is have a reelection slogan whose initials were WTF.

Here's Your Sign ...

Some outdoor Church signs that we enjoyed ...

And Now ... A Word from the President

Enlightened by the Truth ...

We are always impressed when the absolute truth shows up in short form:

The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

Alaskan Sign

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

The pirate nodded and replied, "It was my first day with the hook."

Is Now Revealed ...

The Pentagon has finally announced the identity of the man responsible for giving the information that finally led to the location of bin Laden. While they have not supplied the informant's name, they have released a photo ...

Glad That's Cleared Up ...

It's finally been cleared up ... now we know the team that took out bin Laden ...









Thanks, Mr President for setting us straight.

Alas ... the Chinese Doctor

While in China, a man was very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head, laughs and says, “Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Mow money dat way. No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks ... fawl off by self!”

Hail the Medicine Man

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" and immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition ... because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Who Sank the Titanic?

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter. You're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence ... "I no rike Jews," the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same."

Need a Doormat?

Doormats with an Attitude ...

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Following is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?''

"Of course child. What may I do for you?”

"Well," she said, "I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?''

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," the Priest advised.

The young woman smiled and said, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?''

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?''

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "You are too funny, Father. You’re free to go.”

Did Philip Fart?

Observe the photos and you decide ...





Now look back at the Queen's face ...

Change your mind?

Gas Prices ...

That's about right ...

Yup ... Right Again

Strange Old Tool

Do You Know What This Is?








This old tool has been reintroduced in Washington DC by the Obama Administration.
It will be part of the New Health Care Program.

A New Pistol

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker.”
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

Is Sex Work?

Here is the "military version" of the old question ... Is Sex Work.

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Classified Section

Ad in a British newspaper …

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married. Wife knows everything.

Wonderful Afterlife

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

“Honey!” said the psychic. “You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.”

Gwen left very happy and excited. As she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly, Gwen didn't die.

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings.

Feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said, "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!”

Coincidence?

This next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog.

Secret ...

"If we want to keep our nation's secrets 'SECRET,' store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate."

Homeland Security Update

As we look back on the 2010 results of the Department of Homeland Security we view the year’s statistics on discoveries achieved by airport screening:

Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 459,350
Natural Blonds: 3

New Romance Novel ...

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice, close to my ear, "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs I gave a slight shudder and I partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "no" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . .

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."