December 26, 2017
Confucius Said...
You know there are hundreds of ‘Confucius Said’ jokes. You’ve been hearing them since you were a child. Today we bring you a few more that carry the title, “What CONFUCIUS Nearly Said.”
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Use What You've Got
Breaking news: The Chicago Police Department has removed all sirens from police cars. The sirens have been replaced by loud speakers that blast out the national anthem. This forces suspects to stop running and take a knee.
Arrests are up 140%.
That Little Voice...
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, “Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, “Dave… You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”
Good Advice
Listening to the Pastor on Sunday we were reminded of the famous quote…
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
A Blast from the Past
A wife was curious when she found an old negative in one of her husband's dresser drawers so she had it made into a print.
She was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her at a much younger, slimmer time. It was taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband as he was holding her in his arms beside an automobile.
When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.
"Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation…
"THAT’S MY OLD FORD!”
Dear Santa...
A young girl wrote a simple letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa. Please send me a baby brother."
Santa wrote back …
"Send me your mama ..."
Always Plan Ahead
I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Thinking of His Wife...
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle
for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom "Is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
November 25, 2017
How to Treat a Blackeye
A black eye is a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes) or if there has been a head injury...
For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.
Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket, while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.
These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.
Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:
Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.
Caution: This method may cause swelling in other areas.
For most old guys the swelling will be minimal - therefore it is not expected that this method will be dangerous for you.
No need to thank me. I forward this in the interest of better health for Old Farts everywhere.
Getting the Family Together
Two women were talking on the phone as they were each in their own kitchen preparing for the family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
The first woman told the other that she loved having the family get together at Thanksgiving, but there seemed to always be a big argument over politics or religion. “I just hate it,” the first woman said. “Do you have those kinds of problems?”
“Not this year,” answered the second woman. “I have a plan to avoid the arguments. This year I’m stuffing the turkey with Prozac.”
November 24, 2017
November 13, 2017
October 29, 2017
October 22, 2017
October 02, 2017
September 29, 2017
August 24, 2017
August 07, 2017
IRS Pencil Sharpener
It would be appropriate for everyone to take a look at the attached pencil sharpener issued to all auditors at the Internal Revenue Service.
August 06, 2017
August 01, 2017
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