December 20, 2015
December 14, 2015
November 03, 2015
October 22, 2015
Who Wears the Pants ...
Matt was going to be married to Mikki, so his father sat
him down for a little chat. He said, “Matt,
let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,
and said, here - try these on.”
She did and said, “These are too big. I can't wear them.”
“Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will.”
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
“That’s interesting,” thought Matt. He thought that might be a good thing to try
on his honeymoon.
So on the night of their wedding, Matt took off his pants
and said to Mikki, “Here - try these on.”
She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.”
Matt said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget
that.”
Then Mikki took off her panties and handed them to Matt.
She said, “Here; you try these on.”
He held them up, looked at them and said, “I
can't get into your panties.”
Mikki said, “Exactly. And if you don't change your
smart-ass attitude, you never will.”
Philosophy to remember ... Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Philosophy to remember ... Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Remember Harry?
Are you old enough to remember Harry Truman? If not,
we’ll give you a hint … he was once President of the USA. He was a rather down
to earth fellow and he once said …
“My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.”
“My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.”
On Board ...
An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval
insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be
used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you,
Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt
buckle which bears the Navy insignia."
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel,
sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
October 06, 2015
September 01, 2015
August 19, 2015
July 22, 2015
A Priest and a Rabbi ...
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an
airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I
was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes before he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
May 25, 2015
March 30, 2015
Fixin' the Roof
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked
for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.
About a week later, the priest met Mike who
was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.
Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof,
Father," he said. "Every one
of the neighbors I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his
subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotalers in the parish,
Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure there are, Father," said
Mike. "And I've written to them."
Can't Trust Her
As we get closer to the 2016
election, remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs in
America.
The last time she had a job to
do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
Taste Sweet?
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. I went straight back to the back of the store
to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my little brown
bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could
help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being a senior citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along
with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around. Then with a
stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began
coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the
eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacists, shaking his head back and forth with a
venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My Doctor told me to get my urine checked for Sugar!"
“Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really
don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly anyway!”
Sign of the Times ...
The daughter said, "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your checkbook. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in California and he lives in New York. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."
The Father answered, "Wow! Really! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you get fed up with your husband ... sell him on Ebay."
March 18, 2015
A Lone Ranger Quiz
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment and then says, "Tonto, you dumb-ass. Someone has stolen our tent."
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
The speaker addressed the men asking, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy …
New at KFC
Do you remember when KFC offered a "Hillary Meal,”
consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet
Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
How the Fight Ended ...
Walking into the bar, Sean said to Michael the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Michael, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Sean replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Michael, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
March 17, 2015
A Problem for Hillary
As we get closer to the 2016 election, remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs in America.
The last time she had a job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
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