Try this one on for size ...
April 30, 2009
April 29, 2009
April 20, 2009
I Believe ...
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yup ... until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yup ... until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
Thunder & Lightning
The graveside service just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning and more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well ... she's there."
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well ... she's there."
Help From the Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
Without a moment's hesitation the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
Without a moment's hesitation the old man said, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Doesn't Look Good
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Deep Discussion
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Paul said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Hank replied, "I'm not certain. What was her maiden name?"
Paul said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Hank replied, "I'm not certain. What was her maiden name?"
April 11, 2009
On the Stand ...
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him, "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him …the little bastard.
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him, "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him …the little bastard.
A Day at the Links
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. She agreed and the man said, "I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't," he replies
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he nearly fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. She agreed and the man said, "I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't," he replies
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he nearly fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Father to Son
A teenage boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your haircut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked.”
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your haircut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked.”
Ammo Requirements
One of our loyal readers submitted the following story swearing that it is totally true and referring to it as, “Another case of underestimating the ammo requirements.”
As reported earlier this week (in 2007), some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up shooting the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Judd told the Orlando Sentinel... "That's all the bullets we had left."
As reported earlier this week (in 2007), some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up shooting the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Judd told the Orlando Sentinel... "That's all the bullets we had left."
Tardy Tom
Tom was in his early 50's, retired from the Air Force, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work ontime. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from theAir Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
Finally, one day he called Tom into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from theAir Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
April 07, 2009
New Ice Cream Flavor
In honor of the 44th President, Baskin-Robbins has issued a new flavor:
"Barocky Road"
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.
The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100 per scoop. When purchased, Barocky Road will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. You are left with an empty wallet, no change, an empty cone, and no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Aren't you feeling stimulated?
"Barocky Road"
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.
The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100 per scoop. When purchased, Barocky Road will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. You are left with an empty wallet, no change, an empty cone, and no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Aren't you feeling stimulated?
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