A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out … Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

A Pill for Every Need

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked, “How many do you want?”

The old fellow replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist told him, “That's too small a dose. That won't even get you through intimacy.”

The old gentleman leaned forward and whispered, “Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.”

How You Know You're In Redneck Land

Surprise Sex...

Restaurant Sign...

Christmas Stamps

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas.  She says to the postal clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us.  Has it come to this?  OK.  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

From the Pulpit

A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy.  One of the members in his congregation would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed. However, the congregant suggested that the minister should thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, the brandy maker sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches, and for the spirit in which they were given."

Christmas Facts

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year.  Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

Guess we should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Ain't it funny...

At the Bar...

Meanwhile in Washington DC

Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez go into a bar.

Nancy tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C."

Alexandria whispers, "What's a B and C?"

"That's a bourbon and Coke," Pelosi answers.

Then Feinstein orders, "I'll have a G and T."

Ocasio Cortez again whispers, "What's a G and T?"

"A gin and tonic," Diane replies. 

Cortez wants to seem like she's one of the guys so she tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15." 

Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?"

Cortez says, "A 7 and 7."

Just Clearing Things Up

Flying High

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant. 

Businessman:  "What is your name?"

                              Flight Attendant:  "Angela Benz, sir."

Businessman:  "That's a lovely name. Are you any relation to Mercedes Benz?" 

Flight Attendant:  "Yes sir, very close." 

Businessman:  "How close?" 

Flight Attendant:  "Same Price."

Comic for Seniors

You Know... That's True

To Quote Hemingway...

My New Jeep

A Great Idea

Here's to You, My Friend

A Semi-truthful Politician

Run Away!

On The Job

The Key!

Too True...

A Boss is like a diaper:

Always on your ass, and usually full of shit.

The Business Plan

THE PLAN

In the beginning was the Plan

And then came the assumptions

And the assumptions were without form

And the Plan was without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying

"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them,

"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,

such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their directors and sayeth,

"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,

"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice President and sayeth unto him,

"It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice President went unto the President and sayeth unto him,

"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency

of this company, and these areas in particular."

And the President looked upon the plan,

And saw that it was good, and the plan became Policy.

This is how Shit happens!

The Liberals Have a Plan!

I Hate When That Happens

What a Gig! He Gets Paid to be Stupid!

Just Clearing Things Up

Perfecting the Art of Fake News

Fake News

How the painting was originally planned...

How Things Have Changed

Bad Girl!

So Sad...

Clearly Marked Bathroom Doors

How Hot Is It In Florida?

How to tell you’re in Florida in the Summer:

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

(This list also works in Texas)

Name That Scent

Delta Airlines is thinking of infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. A newspaper asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambiance of the packed economy cabin.”

Here are a few of the responses:

“Eau the Humanity”

 “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom”

“Claustrophobique”

“Mist Connection”   

“The 99 Per-scent”

What would suggestions would you have sent them?

The "F" Word

In DESCENDING order we give you the acceptable times to have used The 'F' Word:
 

11.  "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

           ~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
 

10.  "What the @#$% was that?"
 

           ~ Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
 

9.  "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

           ~ George Custer, 1877
 

8.  "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

           ~ Albert Einstein, 1938.
 

7.  "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

           ~ Picasso, 1926
 

6.  "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

           ~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.
 

5.  "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
 

           ~ Michelangelo, 1566.
 

4.  "Where the @#$% are we?"
 

           ~ Amelia Earhart, 1937
 

3.  "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
 

          ~ Noah, 4314 BC
 

2.  "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

           ~ Bill Clinton, 1998
 

And The Best Use of The 'F' Word Is…
 

1.  "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
 

           ~ Hillary Clinton, 2016

 

New Diet Plan?

Democrats in Florida are Signing Up New Voters for the Blue Wave

For your education...

Total Recall...

How Hot Is It?

Generation Gap

Things it took me too long to learn...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

5. Men are like fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Got a Problem?

OMG!

“So, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

My friend told me that he had that done when he was a few days old.

I asked him "Does it hurt?"

He said, " Well I couldn't walk for a year."

Age Outwits Youth

The muscular young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.   He made a particular point of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.  "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.   "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."