Top Country Music Songs

Top Ten Country Western Songs …

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

  9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

  8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

  7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

  6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

  5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

  4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

  3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

  2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is ...

1.       It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

As I Grow Older ...

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.    Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.   She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Telling the Truth

A little girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

Impressed, the girl then tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

Facts of Life

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.  The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.  The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
 
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

 
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady!  Tell your daughter the truth!  For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
 
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

 
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear.  Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Pelosi for Saint

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Ms. Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Speaker Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No.  I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

The Speaker's aide responded, "Look.  I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well … the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's  presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my  personal favorite personages.  Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.

Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief and I would have to say that Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.  She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.  She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California.  The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded with this statement, "But, when compared with Obama and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Just Doing What She Asked ...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode.  Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.  After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower she decided to relieve herself and sat on the freshly painted toilet seat.  As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.  They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts so that she could stand up.  Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well Doctor.  I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.  I just never saw one MOUNTED and FRAMED before."

Election Comment

We've just ended election season in New Jersey and Virginia.  One observer commented ...

“I haven't left my house in days.  I watch the news channels incessantly.

All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.

 

Election, erection, election, erection -- either way we're getting screwed!”