Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
December 31, 2007
December 30, 2007
Wrong Brother
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess," he continued, "what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess," he continued, "what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Great Gift
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!”
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!”
Good News ... Bad News
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50-year old released executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank-book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the street she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had only known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50-year old released executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank-book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the street she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had only known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Old Story ... New Twist
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
As they drove and after a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Ummmmm ……Good trade."
As they drove and after a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Ummmmm ……Good trade."
Sell Some Bibles
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. By chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.
But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
The next Sunday, anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Pastor, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul he asked, "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l- ike t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.
But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
The next Sunday, anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Pastor, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul he asked, "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l- ike t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Public Service Announcement
We want to pass on this public service announcement
We've heard that the Arabs HATE being called "towel heads."
What they wear on their heads are actually sheets.
Therefore, PLEASE call them "sheet heads."
THANK YOU
We've heard that the Arabs HATE being called "towel heads."
What they wear on their heads are actually sheets.
Therefore, PLEASE call them "sheet heads."
THANK YOU
It's All Clear
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectival precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany;" a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes,hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon!
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectival precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany;" a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes,hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon!
December 26, 2007
Squared-Away Marine
There was a Marine deployed in Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up. And not only that ... she wanted the picture of herself back.
So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
December 24, 2007
My Inventions
A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He speaks with the clerk and says, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle."
Clerk: That's interesting. What do you call it?
Inventor: I call it a fottle.
Clerk: That's rather a silly name. Can you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: Oh no ...that sounds rude. You can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket.
Clerk: That's interesting. What do you call it?
Inventor: I call it a fottle.
Clerk: That's rather a silly name. Can you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: Oh no ...that sounds rude. You can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket.
Silly & Dumb
A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why that is so.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean. In a short time the boy returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "things" than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. But in a short time the boy returns again and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean. In a short time the boy returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "things" than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. But in a short time the boy returns again and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Wise Old Farmer
An old farmer had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horse-shoe courts, basketball court,etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out till you leave."
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out till you leave."
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."
Whacha Say?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine May day.
One remarked to the other two, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "its Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
One remarked to the other two, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "its Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
December 23, 2007
Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man.
Grant me Love to forgive him.
Give me Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Grant me Love to forgive him.
Give me Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Jewish Mother
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible, Mom. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible, Mom. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
School Play
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?" asks the mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and get a speaking part."
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?" asks the mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and get a speaking part."
Cross & Star
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Dublin. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.
A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? Ireland is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the Cross beggar, said, "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? Ireland is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the Cross beggar, said, "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
December 22, 2007
Follow the Instructions
A beautiful and well-endowed young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign reads: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there."
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
The girl grabs the telephone and calls the pet store to complain. The storeowner answers and says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there."
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
The girl grabs the telephone and calls the pet store to complain. The storeowner answers and says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Amazing?
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back in. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again.
They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student."
Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back in. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again.
They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student."
Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
What's In a Name?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what’s the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the first man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the first man. "You know ... the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what’s the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the first man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the first man. "You know ... the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
What Goes First?
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it’s your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it’s your legs."
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Johnny said, "Well, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!' "If Daddy hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure."
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it’s your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it’s your legs."
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Johnny said, "Well, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!' "If Daddy hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure."
Family Pharmacy
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
The fellow answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry, Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can’t sell you any Cyanide."
The fellow reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am so sorry, Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
The fellow answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry, Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can’t sell you any Cyanide."
The fellow reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am so sorry, Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Math Help
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14% how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my ear rings"
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14% how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my ear rings"
The Perfect Dress
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
December 14, 2007
Can You Help?
A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer.
"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"
"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking.
The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly.
He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "It might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."
Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer.
The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"
"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"
"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking.
The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly.
He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "It might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."
Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer.
The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"
Screw Her !
Two lawyers, Carl and Steve, decided to take their vacation together and went on a small, private plane to visit Paris for a time. There was a terrible storm, and the plane went down into the Atlantic Ocean.
Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on.
Each day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a ship out there to rescue them.
One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber raft! And it's headed this way!"
Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?"
"No... oh... wait! YES! It's a beautiful blonde woman! And she's naked!"
The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was alive, but unconscious.
They pulled her up onto the beach, and Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could... you know... screw her?"
Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft!"
Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on.
Each day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a ship out there to rescue them.
One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber raft! And it's headed this way!"
Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?"
"No... oh... wait! YES! It's a beautiful blonde woman! And she's naked!"
The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was alive, but unconscious.
They pulled her up onto the beach, and Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could... you know... screw her?"
Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft!"
What It's For ...
This gay guy is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but you have contracted HIV."
The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, "Doc, Doc, what should I do?”
The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. You should eat tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then you should eat all of the fresh fruit you can hold. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there."
The gay guy is a little confused and asks, "So is all that going to help?"
The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is for."
The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, "Doc, Doc, what should I do?”
The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. You should eat tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then you should eat all of the fresh fruit you can hold. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there."
The gay guy is a little confused and asks, "So is all that going to help?"
The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is for."
Seeing Eye Dog
As is often true, real life incidents are funnier than fictitious ones. The following is a true occurrence related by someone who travels often:
I was flying to Los Angeles and the plane had to make an unexpected stop in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained to us that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the plane for a few minutes, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off except one gentleman who was blind.
I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell that he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe you could take my dog out and let him stretch his legs."
All of the passengers in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. Many of them were trying to change planes, and several were also trying to change airlines.
I was flying to Los Angeles and the plane had to make an unexpected stop in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained to us that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the plane for a few minutes, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off except one gentleman who was blind.
I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell that he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe you could take my dog out and let him stretch his legs."
All of the passengers in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. Many of them were trying to change planes, and several were also trying to change airlines.
What Trick?
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."
That's Not It
A General noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the General arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!"
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the General arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!"
The Pickle Slicer
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.
He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since your desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.
Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said, "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
With a look of deep sorrow he replied, "I think she got fired too."
He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since your desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.
Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said, "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
With a look of deep sorrow he replied, "I think she got fired too."
Doctor .... Help Me
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
December 13, 2007
Big Decision
A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"
Open the Damned Account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damned checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Bank." the teller said and left her window. She went over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damned checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Bank." the teller said and left her window. She went over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damned checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Joe and the Priest
At a local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Joe simply said that he had not taken any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.
So the priest said, "Get in the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him directly, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"
This time Joe said, "I can't hear you."
Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
This time the priest yelled, "JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING!"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So Joe traded places with the Priest and said, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair. Is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By Golly ... You can't hear in here."
Joe simply said that he had not taken any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.
So the priest said, "Get in the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him directly, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"
This time Joe said, "I can't hear you."
Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
This time the priest yelled, "JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING!"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So Joe traded places with the Priest and said, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair. Is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By Golly ... You can't hear in here."
I Can Bend It
Two old drunks were hanging out at their favorite bar.
The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So, what's your point?" says the second drunk.
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So, what's your point?" says the second drunk.
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Great Job ...
A young Puerto Rican man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hey man, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The Puerto Rican said, "Ah c'mon, man. You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The Puerto Rican said, "Ah c'mon, man. You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
Arab Sons
Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause... The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause... The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Wear That Seat Belt
A blonde woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.
Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I notice you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," the blonde replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"
Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I notice you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," the blonde replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"
Twist on an Old Joke
A Texan, a guy from Illinois, and a Wisconsinite are riding horses out on the range. The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air.
The guy from Illinois is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"
A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Illinois pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan.
The guy from Wisconsin can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne.
With a wink to the Texan he says, "In Chicago, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
About 15 minutes later, the Wisconsinite pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle. Then he places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Illinois.
The Texan is visibly shaken. "What the hell did you do that for?"
The Wisconsinite replies, "Well, in Wisconsin, we have plenty of people from Illinois, and bottles are returnable.”
The guy from Illinois is shocked and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"
A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Illinois pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan.
The guy from Wisconsin can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne.
With a wink to the Texan he says, "In Chicago, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
About 15 minutes later, the Wisconsinite pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle. Then he places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Illinois.
The Texan is visibly shaken. "What the hell did you do that for?"
The Wisconsinite replies, "Well, in Wisconsin, we have plenty of people from Illinois, and bottles are returnable.”
After Four ...
A friend recently had another child. She told us ……
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy.
"Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen years and four kids, I hardly need directions."
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy.
"Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen years and four kids, I hardly need directions."
So Great, My Son ...
Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons.
Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world."
Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel Prize in Medicine. What a man!"
Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."
The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future."
Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prize winner, he isn't."
They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg."
Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world."
Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel Prize in Medicine. What a man!"
Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."
The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future."
Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prize winner, he isn't."
They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg."
The New Clerk
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and checks the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a good idea.
“I'd like some raisin bread please,” said the man so politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which happens to be located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descend the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's quiverin’ a mite."
“I'd like some raisin bread please,” said the man so politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which happens to be located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descend the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's quiverin’ a mite."
My Three Sons
A Jewish father, Moisha, has three sons: Yitzak, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. He is proud of his three sons and hope they marry good Jewish girls and have a lot of children.
Number one son, Yitzak visits his father and tells him he is going to marry. His father dances with joy and sings Hava Nagila.... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl and what is her name?"
"O Brian is her name and she is Catholic".
"Oy!" say his father...."But are you happy?"
"Yes, Papa, I am very happy."
"As long as you're happy, my son ... my blessings to you both of you," replies Moisha. But the father is counting on the two remaining sons to marry good Jewish girls.
A month later number two son, Schlemiel, announces that he is planning to get married. Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises..... "What is her name?” asks Moisha.
"Kazalopodopolous and she is a Greek Orthodox," says #2 son.
"Oy," says his father...."But are you happy?"
"Yes, I am very happy."
"Ok, then you too have my blessing," intones Moisha. Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God....let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes....PLEASE," he cries out.
Later on, number three son, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring."
"HER NAME..HER NAME....WHAT IS HER NAME" asks Moisha.
"Goldberg," replys his son and Moisha is beside himself with joy. "Praise God...Praise the Prophets!" he shouts. Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she the wealthy Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelly, from Los Angeles?"
"No" says Chutzpah.
"Humm...she must be the wealthy attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills" says Moisha.
"Ah, no, Father," says Chutzpah.
"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
With a swelling chest he tells his father, "Whoopi."
Number one son, Yitzak visits his father and tells him he is going to marry. His father dances with joy and sings Hava Nagila.... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl and what is her name?"
"O Brian is her name and she is Catholic".
"Oy!" say his father...."But are you happy?"
"Yes, Papa, I am very happy."
"As long as you're happy, my son ... my blessings to you both of you," replies Moisha. But the father is counting on the two remaining sons to marry good Jewish girls.
A month later number two son, Schlemiel, announces that he is planning to get married. Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises..... "What is her name?” asks Moisha.
"Kazalopodopolous and she is a Greek Orthodox," says #2 son.
"Oy," says his father...."But are you happy?"
"Yes, I am very happy."
"Ok, then you too have my blessing," intones Moisha. Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God....let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes....PLEASE," he cries out.
Later on, number three son, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring."
"HER NAME..HER NAME....WHAT IS HER NAME" asks Moisha.
"Goldberg," replys his son and Moisha is beside himself with joy. "Praise God...Praise the Prophets!" he shouts. Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she the wealthy Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelly, from Los Angeles?"
"No" says Chutzpah.
"Humm...she must be the wealthy attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills" says Moisha.
"Ah, no, Father," says Chutzpah.
"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
With a swelling chest he tells his father, "Whoopi."
December 02, 2007
My Private Part Died
Mr. Goldstein, an old man, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed so Nurse
Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my Private Part died today
and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that,” she said, “But I don’t understand
why it needs to be hanging out of your pajamas?"
Well," he replied, "today's the viewing."
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed so Nurse
Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my Private Part died today
and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that,” she said, “But I don’t understand
why it needs to be hanging out of your pajamas?"
Well," he replied, "today's the viewing."
Train Conductor
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...
cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train … but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say. "All passengers, please remember your things, thank
you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just
boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen...."
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...
cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train … but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say. "All passengers, please remember your things, thank
you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just
boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen...."
Quit Advertising
A well-stacked young advertising assistant wore tight knit
dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she
walked.
Her boss, a man of 60 who had been with the firm for a long
time motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the
door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is
that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing brightly.
Before she could say “harassment lawsuit,” the told her quietly,
"Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she
walked.
Her boss, a man of 60 who had been with the firm for a long
time motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the
door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is
that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing brightly.
Before she could say “harassment lawsuit,” the told her quietly,
"Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
Did You Know? 3
Did you know ...
-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed
with you -- or holding you in his arms.
-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after
sundown -- if they're nude.
-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet
apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal
to make love on the floor between the beds!
-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed
with you -- or holding you in his arms.
-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after
sundown -- if they're nude.
-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet
apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal
to make love on the floor between the beds!
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing
there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same
man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have
a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what
has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife
in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run
for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is
the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because
I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question. "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes" she says......
The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing
there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same
man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have
a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what
has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife
in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off
to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run
for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is
the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because
I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same
question. "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes" she says......
The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to
leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
Suicide Hotline
I was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline, the
local Suicide Hotline.
The number I dialed connected me to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
local Suicide Hotline.
The number I dialed connected me to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
Gunpowder in your oatmeal
A tough, old cowboy was asked by his grandson how to live a long life.
"The secret of living a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on
your oatmeal every morning," the grizzled man replied.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When
he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren
and … a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"The secret of living a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on
your oatmeal every morning," the grizzled man replied.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When
he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren
and … a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
PASTOR'S ASS
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was
so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and
it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and
it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
Viagra
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "It's got to be the Viagra...I'm
still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "It's got to be the Viagra...I'm
still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Computer Trouble
Randy was having trouble with his computer. So he called Harold
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons
and solved the problem.
He gave Randy a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking
away, Randy called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
Randy didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An,
ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'
'No,' Randy replied. ‘I don’t think so.’
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down ... I D 1 0 T
Randy probably won’t call Harold again.
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons
and solved the problem.
He gave Randy a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking
away, Randy called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
Randy didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An,
ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'
'No,' Randy replied. ‘I don’t think so.’
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down ... I D 1 0 T
Randy probably won’t call Harold again.
Did You Know? 2
-- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white
cotton nightshirts.
-- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples
from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
-- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
-- In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with
the lights on.
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white
cotton nightshirts.
-- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples
from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
-- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
-- In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with
the lights on.
"Did I say that out loud?"
In a biology class the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
information.
Raising her hand again, she asked, “Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of class.
found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
information.
Raising her hand again, she asked, “Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of class.
Snow White
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White
stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with
the lunch, she found that there had been a terrible cave in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out,
hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello?"
For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White
called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice
from deep in the mine.
The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, very relieved, screamed out, "Oh, thank God. At least
Dopey is still alive!"
stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with
the lunch, she found that there had been a terrible cave in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out,
hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello?"
For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White
called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice
from deep in the mine.
The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, very relieved, screamed out, "Oh, thank God. At least
Dopey is still alive!"
The Pearly Gates
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates.’
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And
just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates.’
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And
just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Service ?
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word,"service;" the act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations... And I became confused about the word "service."
This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
And, SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations... And I became confused about the word "service."
This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
And, SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...
Monastery Disaster
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers’ monastery and it was leveled. All fifty of the brothers were transported to heaven at the same time.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as agroup. Now, the first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as agroup. Now, the first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
Beaudreaux's Boat
Thibodaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux's house and saw a sign that read: "Boat For Sale." He marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch, raps on the door, and Beaudreaux opens it.
Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux! How long we ban frands?"
Beaudreaux say, "Well.......all our lives."
Thibodaux say, "Why don't you tole me you gotta boat?"
Beaudreaux say, "I ain't gotta boat!"
Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say, "BOAT FOR SALE."
Beaudreaux say, "OH-NO Thibodaux ! See dat old '72 ford pickem'up truck over dare?"
Thibodaux say, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck."
Beaudreaux say, "See dat ol' washer machine?"
Thibodaux say, "Yas, I see dat ol' washer machine."
Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."
Good Luck, Dave
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him out to a nice restaurant for a candlelight dinner and then to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser."
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
Roger the Dragon Slayer
Roger the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Roger the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Roger the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Roger the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Roger the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Roger the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Roger worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Roger the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Roger the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Roger the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King quickly summoned Roger the Dragon Slayer ......
Mexican Jews ?
Two Jewish men, Sid and Abe, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Abe, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Abe asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Abe asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Abe asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
Who Said ...
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Think About It
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
No Longer Gay
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl," he tells her. "I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"
The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl," he tells her. "I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"
The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?
November 26, 2007
Frozen Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she was unable to find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied politely, "No, ma'am, they're as big as they're gonna get. They're dead."
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied politely, "No, ma'am, they're as big as they're gonna get. They're dead."
November 24, 2007
New Librarian
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to theLibrarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to theLibrarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Getting Fat?
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," replied the little girl, “but what's growing in your butt?"
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," replied the little girl, “but what's growing in your butt?"
Time for Marriage?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, peering over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, peering over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Nith Horth
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"
"How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"
Don't Brag ...
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Does It Work?
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes, we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it does," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
With a straight face he responded, "I can if I take two."
"Yes, we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it does," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
With a straight face he responded, "I can if I take two."
Big Breaths
A doctor friend told us this story:
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
Just Don't Tell Him
A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."
Tell the Wife ...
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," boasts Goldberg.
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The dead man’s wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me," boasts Goldberg.
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The dead man’s wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."
November 23, 2007
Free Sex
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The Redneck guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same redneck, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time, and the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away the driver's buddy said, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The redneck explained to his friend, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The Redneck guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same redneck, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time, and the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away the driver's buddy said, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The redneck explained to his friend, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Poor Boudreaux
A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I'm trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says.
To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck!
"Karate chop from China," the drunk says.
Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing.
The big man hits him again. "Judo form Japan."
Li'l ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer.
The man grabs him, putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool, he walks out.
Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor.
Looking down at his tormentor, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck!
"Karate chop from China," the drunk says.
Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing.
The big man hits him again. "Judo form Japan."
Li'l ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer.
The man grabs him, putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool, he walks out.
Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor.
Looking down at his tormentor, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
Still in Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten over her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at a luxurious resort.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night’s scenario is the same. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...... except that on his erection he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Finally, Sadie said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at a luxurious resort.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties while he was in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night’s scenario is the same. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...... except that on his erection he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
This Can't Be
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician, Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" Doctor Cohen said confidently. "Its just rust."
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" Doctor Cohen said confidently. "Its just rust."
Careful Where You GO
Two married women went out one weekend without their husbands. Returning home right before dawn, both of them quite drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and using drunk logic, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to dry herself with, so she took off her panties and used them and then tossed them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to dry herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
The first one did not have anything to dry herself with, so she took off her panties and used them and then tossed them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to dry herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
November 21, 2007
November 18, 2007
November 17, 2007
Thanksgiving Poem
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING
WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK
BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN,
FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE,
FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY
AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS,
BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING
SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL
AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL -
PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING
WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK
BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN,
FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE,
FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY
AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS,
BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING
SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL
AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL -
PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Thanksgiving for the First Jewish President
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Brooklyn, NY and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One foryou - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble at my age.
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom!"
She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'l lcome."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther
Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"
Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"
Esther: "Yes."
Sylvia: "It's his brother."
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Ocean Blvd."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One foryou - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble at my age.
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger, the Secret Service will handle everything.
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like hotels..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House in the Lincoln Bedroom!"
She responds, "Well... all right... I guess I'l lcome."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Esther
Esther: "Hello, Sylvia... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Esther: "That wonderful. Which son?"
Sylvia: "You know my son Marvin, the doctor?"
Esther: "Yes."
Sylvia: "It's his brother."
November 13, 2007
Letter From a Marine
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Wal-Mart
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART, you ask …
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART, you ask …
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!
Did you know ...
-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (They didn't care about the dead fish.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (They didn't care about the dead fish.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Big-busted Organist
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said some-thing had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said some-thing had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
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