An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests. The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
October 29, 2007
October 28, 2007
Halloween Delivery
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
Halloween Rules
Just in case you have forgotten "The Halloween Rules" - please use these helpful hints this and every year.
1. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. - Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. - If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example:chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
October 27, 2007
October 26, 2007
Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
Halloween Riddles
What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Pumpkin Pi
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Banners
Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells
him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see
America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a
banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was
more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on
each house flew an enormous banner."
"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says.
Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!”
him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see
America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a
banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was
more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on
each house flew an enormous banner."
"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says.
Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew!”
And this headline just in from the West Coast
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME !
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
Arm Transplant
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi. How's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi. How's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
Have you ever been unfaithful?
An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about and I want you to tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married
and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married
and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"
Call your mom
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Back in '68
Back in 1968 or '69 a college buddy and I decided to spend a boys-will-be-boys weekend visiting his family in Dallas and getting in a little skydiving at a new drop zone along with a morning of pistol shooting at the target range.
So I dropped my target pistol in a carry-on along with a couple of boxes of ammo. We packed our parachutes and carried them with us into the cabin of a Braniff jet for the flight to Dallas.
Nobody looked in our bags, of course, and we only got some jokes from the stewardesses (they were called that, then) for bringing parachutes on the plane.
The youngsters don't believe me until I explain that this was three years before DB Cooper pulled his parachute/hijack stunt and four years before US airlines began mandatory baggage checks and metal detecting.
Okay, they reluctantly accept that we could carry guns and parachutes on planes back then, but they REALLY decide I'm a bald- faced liar when I tell them that as soon as the plane leveled out we reclined our seats, stretched out our legs ... and lit up cigarettes.
Now they know grandpa's a liar, because even the youngest know there's no leg room in coach.
So I dropped my target pistol in a carry-on along with a couple of boxes of ammo. We packed our parachutes and carried them with us into the cabin of a Braniff jet for the flight to Dallas.
Nobody looked in our bags, of course, and we only got some jokes from the stewardesses (they were called that, then) for bringing parachutes on the plane.
The youngsters don't believe me until I explain that this was three years before DB Cooper pulled his parachute/hijack stunt and four years before US airlines began mandatory baggage checks and metal detecting.
Okay, they reluctantly accept that we could carry guns and parachutes on planes back then, but they REALLY decide I'm a bald- faced liar when I tell them that as soon as the plane leveled out we reclined our seats, stretched out our legs ... and lit up cigarettes.
Now they know grandpa's a liar, because even the youngest know there's no leg room in coach.
Don't Blow Your Cover
Two Iraqi spies worked their way into the United States where they met in a busy restaurant for lunch. One of the spies started talking in Iraqi.
The other one said, “Don't blow your cover. You're in the United States now. Speak Spanish.”
The other one said, “Don't blow your cover. You're in the United States now. Speak Spanish.”
Rat Statue
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into Galveston Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there."
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into Galveston Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there."
Church Bells
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year- old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Are they twins?
A very unattractive woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
With a big smile the Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No. He's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
With a big smile the Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No. He's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
That's terrible!
A wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar. Tiring of her constant nagging, he decided one night to take her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Preparing the chickens
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "But I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing really special, sir," the waiter told him. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
"Yes," the man replies. "But I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing really special, sir," the waiter told him. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Bill, Hillary & Al in heaven
Hillary and Bill Clinton and Al Gore die in a car accident and suddenly find themselves in heaven.
God addresses Al first. "Al, I need for you to tell me … what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God considers Al and his answer for a second and says, "OK, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bubba. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "And Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."
God addresses Al first. "Al, I need for you to tell me … what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God considers Al and his answer for a second and says, "OK, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bubba. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "And Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."
Guest Workers
Since hearing the plan for treating illegal immigrants as "guest" workers, I now have undergone a complete reversal in my understanding of the proper meaning of words.
I stupidly used to believe that the definition of "guest" is one who is invited. Now I'm told this is no longer correct.
For instance, if a burglar breaks into my home, he really becomes a guest who is only looking for a better life. Because he broke in for that reason, I must accept the obligation to provide health care, education, transportation, and living quarters.
I feel so much better now.
I stupidly used to believe that the definition of "guest" is one who is invited. Now I'm told this is no longer correct.
For instance, if a burglar breaks into my home, he really becomes a guest who is only looking for a better life. Because he broke in for that reason, I must accept the obligation to provide health care, education, transportation, and living quarters.
I feel so much better now.
A win-Win-WIN situation
I have a win-Win-WIN situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.
Then put the over population of Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.
Then put the over population of Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
San Diego, California...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get very far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get very far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
The Outhouse
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Tennessee out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the contents all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Before he can shout a warning … Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite .... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says ... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the contents all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Before he can shout a warning … Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite .... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says ... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
Big boots, big.... ?
A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she's ever seen. After giving it some thought the woman finally gets up the nerve and asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is. Why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"
The woman figures she has nothing to lose and takes him up on the offer.
The next day she walks into the bar and finds her cowboy sitting at the same table and hands him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am. Nobody has ever paid me for my services before."
To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is. Why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"
The woman figures she has nothing to lose and takes him up on the offer.
The next day she walks into the bar and finds her cowboy sitting at the same table and hands him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am. Nobody has ever paid me for my services before."
To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
Happy Baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gay men’s delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gay men’s delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
Magic Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the shop owner, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon, and you will see."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the shop owner, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon, and you will see."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Can you believe it?
Monica Lewinsky turns 31 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast.
They grow up so fast.
A prayer
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request, "Please, God. Don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request, "Please, God. Don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
A suppository in my ear?
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, my eyesight may not be very good, but I do believe that you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out, stared at it and thought about it for a few seconds.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out, stared at it and thought about it for a few seconds.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
Pregnant Lady on the Bus
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus and took a seat. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. Finally on her fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man (who was about age 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this … When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
She moved a third time and placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.
But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, . . . I just lost it."
The man seemed more amused. Finally on her fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man (who was about age 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this … When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
She moved a third time and placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.
But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, . . . I just lost it."
Great Quote
While discussing a bill to repeal racial and gender preferences, Joseph Doria, Democratic leader in the New Jersey state assembly, was quoted in the New Jersey Law Journal as saying:
"My colleagues and I are upset by this blatant attempt to replace diversity with fairness."
You will not be surprised to hear that after the Law Journal printed his remarks, Mr. Doria denied he said it.
"My colleagues and I are upset by this blatant attempt to replace diversity with fairness."
You will not be surprised to hear that after the Law Journal printed his remarks, Mr. Doria denied he said it.
Bye, Mom!
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom," as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"Why so much? I only bought 5 items," he gasped.
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom," as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"Why so much? I only bought 5 items," he gasped.
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Dying of thirst
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "I am dying of thirst. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "I am dying of thirst. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
No ID
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that one every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent.
With that the traveler drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "You’ve convinced me. Go on home to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "Oh, that was easy. I recognized the picture of Teddy Kennedy in the middle."
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that one every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent.
With that the traveler drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "You’ve convinced me. Go on home to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "Oh, that was easy. I recognized the picture of Teddy Kennedy in the middle."
Hearing Aids
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear almost perfectly.
The old fellow went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman smiled and told the doctor, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The old fellow went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman smiled and told the doctor, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
My Frog
A little boy about 12 years old was walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He went up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said "No."
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
“Well,” he said, "If you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.”
Taking a deep breath he continued, “In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said "No."
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
“Well,” he said, "If you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.”
Taking a deep breath he continued, “In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"
School answering machine
We heard about a school’s answering machine and thought you might like to know about it also. We can only suppose that this recording was NOT used at a public school …
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teacher’s fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teacher’s fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
Gas in the bedpan
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Growing Wild
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it.
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just ain't no justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.
A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There just ain't no justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
“Well,” she said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
Good News and Bad News
"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180.”
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180.”
Transferred to Texas
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails, and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas,” the guy says to Chuck. “There're crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, and high crime rate.”
"Hold on," Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school, and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Austin."
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas,” the guy says to Chuck. “There're crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, and high crime rate.”
"Hold on," Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school, and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Austin."
May I take the dog for a walk?
A little girl asked her Mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies," No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. "
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said she was in heat, and to come to you."
The child’s father sighs and says," Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said," OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, her father asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Mom replies," No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. "
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said she was in heat, and to come to you."
The child’s father sighs and says," Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said," OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, her father asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
I need a compliment
Ken's first wife, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and laments to Ken, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. I need a compliment."
Ken replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
Ken replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
40 years ago
Married 40 years, Mike took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 59 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
His wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 19 year old. “Then,” she said, “I will make certain that you will once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
His wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 19 year old. “Then,” she said, “I will make certain that you will once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
Jury Duty
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," she was told.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told by the very efficient court clerk.
"Why?" came the response from the senior citizen. "Do you think I'm suddenly going to get younger?"
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," she was told.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told by the very efficient court clerk.
"Why?" came the response from the senior citizen. "Do you think I'm suddenly going to get younger?"
He's a goner!
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down
the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
After a short walk she was seen by a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
After a short walk she was seen by a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Don't Despair
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
"Hark!, a pistol shot"
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit....----- I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!"
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit....----- I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!"
Erogonique
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
72 Virgins?
It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces, as most people already know...
George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
October 25, 2007
Good Ole' Days
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living. "When I was a kid," he'd say, "my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans -- all for a dollar!”
He’d pause and finish with, “But you can't DO that any more. They got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
He’d pause and finish with, “But you can't DO that any more. They got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
The Amazing Waldo
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Waldo."
The salesman had some time on his hands before his next appointment, so he bought a ticket and sat down to see what it was The Amazing Waldo did. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was Waldo.
Suddenly the performer dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and Waldo was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years passed and the salesman found himself in the same little town. He found that the same circus was there and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Waldo." He couldn't believe the guy was still alive, much less still doing his act. He had to buy a ticket and check it out.
Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. Waldo, fifteen years older, entered the ring and stood before them. Then, as he had done years ago, suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the now grizzled Waldo. "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said Waldo, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Waldo."
The salesman had some time on his hands before his next appointment, so he bought a ticket and sat down to see what it was The Amazing Waldo did. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was Waldo.
Suddenly the performer dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and Waldo was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years passed and the salesman found himself in the same little town. He found that the same circus was there and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Waldo." He couldn't believe the guy was still alive, much less still doing his act. He had to buy a ticket and check it out.
Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. Waldo, fifteen years older, entered the ring and stood before them. Then, as he had done years ago, suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the now grizzled Waldo. "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said Waldo, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
He nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. She takes the bottle, puts the cork back in, and hands it back to him.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
“No,” the woman replies, "I think I'll just wait for the police...."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
He nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. She takes the bottle, puts the cork back in, and hands it back to him.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
“No,” the woman replies, "I think I'll just wait for the police...."
Knowledge in Pill Form
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."
Rectal thermometer
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Of course, the husband immediately drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit
the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it and it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
Of course, the husband immediately drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit
the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it and it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Semen sample
As part of his yearly physical exam, the doctor requested a sperm count from his 85-year-old male patient. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
How to Install a Home Security System in the South
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba,
Big Jim and me went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't
mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him
up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.
Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Last Rites
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Hunting License
A fellow went hunting one day in Alberta and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden.
The game warden ordered the man to show his hunting license. The hunter pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Alberta. This is a Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin' license?"
The man reached into his wallet again and produced a Saskatchewan hunting license. The game warden looked it over and then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Saskatchewan duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"
Once again the hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
After finding the second license in order the warden reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from British Columbia You got a British Columbia huntin' license?"
The hunter wanted to give this warden a piece of his mind, but reached into his wallet and brought out a British Columbia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The man dropped his pants, bent over and said, "You're the expert. You tell me!"
The game warden ordered the man to show his hunting license. The hunter pulled out a valid Alberta hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Alberta. This is a Saskatchewan duck. You got a Saskatchewan huntin' license?"
The man reached into his wallet again and produced a Saskatchewan hunting license. The game warden looked it over and then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Saskatchewan duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"
Once again the hunter reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
After finding the second license in order the warden reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from British Columbia You got a British Columbia huntin' license?"
The hunter wanted to give this warden a piece of his mind, but reached into his wallet and brought out a British Columbia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hunter, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The man dropped his pants, bent over and said, "You're the expert. You tell me!"
Last Wish
Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and a US Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job "til the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" said the Chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the jarhead.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he grabbed his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal Assholes call ME the aggressor?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job "til the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" said the Chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the jarhead.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he grabbed his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal Assholes call ME the aggressor?"
Headline from Mexico City newspaper
Presidente Vicente Fox has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next summer Olympics.
The reason given is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
The reason given is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
Hearing Problem
I feared Pat was not hearing as well as she used to, and I thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, I called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told me there is a simple informal test I could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Pat was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I was in the living room. I said to myself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." So, in a normal tone I ask, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She did not respond.
So I moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Pat, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next I moved into the dining room where I was about 20 feet from her and ask, "Honey. What's for dinner?"
Again … no response.
So, I walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So I walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Turning around she says, "Jerry, for the 5th time, it’s chicken.”
The doctor told me there is a simple informal test I could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Pat was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I was in the living room. I said to myself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." So, in a normal tone I ask, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She did not respond.
So I moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Pat, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next I moved into the dining room where I was about 20 feet from her and ask, "Honey. What's for dinner?"
Again … no response.
So, I walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So I walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Turning around she says, "Jerry, for the 5th time, it’s chicken.”
Three Texans
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
Military Recuiting
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da gub'mint gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da gub'mint gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da gub'mint gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da gub'mint gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"
Two asprin
A guy is out with his buddies, has a few drinks, is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She snaps at him, "But, I Don’t HAVE a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She snaps at him, "But, I Don’t HAVE a headache!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
Moving to New York
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, what are you doing?
She answers, “I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.”
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, “I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
He asks, what are you doing?
She answers, “I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.”
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, “I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Quit Drinking
A friend in the Seattle area sent us this story about a situation
with his wife. He writes …
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back................
with his wife. He writes …
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back................
Hiding
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, “He went that way," pointing down the right fork.
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.
She told him, "I think I can fully understand your fear.”
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, “He went that way," pointing down the right fork.
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.
She told him, "I think I can fully understand your fear.”
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
How do you feel?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Jim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Jim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Senior Pick-up Line
A very elderly gentleman (mid nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an up-scale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Money Exchange
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line so there was only one guy in front of me.
He was a small Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little bit agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why IT change? Yestaday I get two hunat dolla fo yen ! Today I onry get hunat eighty ?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
He was a small Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little bit agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why IT change? Yestaday I get two hunat dolla fo yen ! Today I onry get hunat eighty ?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
How deep is it?
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep," says the first.
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over and says, "Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen!” says the first.
“It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" offered the second.
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over and says, "Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen!” says the first.
“It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" offered the second.
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Roswell
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E . Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.
That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.
However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E . Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.
That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.
Kids in the hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born … Couldn't walk for a year."
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born … Couldn't walk for a year."
Cockfights
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held around the outskirts of Shreveport and sent their best Cajun detective, Boudreaux, to investigate.
He reported back to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.
"Good work,” the sergeant said. “Who are they?"
He replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," responded Boudreaux, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in da fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that, but what about the others?"
The detective nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
He reported back to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.
"Good work,” the sergeant said. “Who are they?"
He replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," responded Boudreaux, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in da fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that, but what about the others?"
The detective nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
Punishment?
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule AFB, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this
flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this
flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady shopkeeper asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard!"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady shopkeeper asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves? By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard!"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."
Bragging
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
Bill's Birthday
Bill works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bill. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else.
But Bill’s wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bill, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bill. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else.
But Bill’s wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bill, you picked up a real bitch this time."
Pled Guilty
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. Then one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you? You haven’t been here for a month."
Bill told his buddy, "I have been in jail."
"In Jail?" cried Sam, "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
Yeah, of course I do," said Sam. What does she have to do with your going to jail?"
"She charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty." The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. Then one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you? You haven’t been here for a month."
Bill told his buddy, "I have been in jail."
"In Jail?" cried Sam, "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
Yeah, of course I do," said Sam. What does she have to do with your going to jail?"
"She charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty." The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Nuns at the football game
There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the nuns to hear), “I think I want to move to California. I hear there are only 100 Catholics living there..."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there..."
The third guy speaks up and says," I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..."
One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there..."
The third guy speaks up and says," I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..."
One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."
Worms
In an elementary school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a condom. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results of the experiment …
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in condom - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment."
Quickly Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
After one day, these were the results of the experiment …
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in condom - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment."
Quickly Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Surgeons
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The life cycle is backwards
I think the life cycle is all backwards …
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way. You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every day. You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then when you start to work, you get a gold watch your very first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, are "generally" promiscuous and you get ready for high school. After High School you go to primary school, become a kid again, play or nap all day and have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever. Then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living quarters every day, and then... you finish off as an orgasm!
It would have to be better that way, because this getting old just sucks!
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way. You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every day. You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then when you start to work, you get a gold watch your very first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, are "generally" promiscuous and you get ready for high school. After High School you go to primary school, become a kid again, play or nap all day and have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever. Then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living quarters every day, and then... you finish off as an orgasm!
It would have to be better that way, because this getting old just sucks!
Something with Diamonds
Sam was out shopping in the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So Abe, what did you buy?" Sam asks.
"Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So, what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe grins and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."
"So Abe, what did you buy?" Sam asks.
"Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So, what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe grins and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."
Awful Book!
A blonde walked into the library, up to the counter, slammed a book down and said to the librarian, "This is the WORST book I have ever read, it has no plot, and far too many characters!"
"We were wondering," said the librarian.
“About this awful book?” asked the Blonde.
“No,” said the librarian. "We were wondering who took our phone book!"
"We were wondering," said the librarian.
“About this awful book?” asked the Blonde.
“No,” said the librarian. "We were wondering who took our phone book!"
My schnauzer
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store, finds the Nair and selects the size and form that she thinks would be best for the job at hand.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs it would be best if you don't shave them for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist raised his eyebrows and told her, "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store, finds the Nair and selects the size and form that she thinks would be best for the job at hand.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs it would be best if you don't shave them for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist raised his eyebrows and told her, "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."
Damn Bugs!
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked the naked man.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Damn … Those little bastards!"
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked the naked man.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Damn … Those little bastards!"
Herman's Ashes
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman. That diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman. Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, Here it comes …”
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman. That diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman. Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, Here it comes …”
Telephone Poles
The local telephone company finally decided to install telephones all the way to Catahoula. They needed to hire someone to install the poles down the levee, so they work out for bid. The company received only two equal bids, one from some guys in Port Arthur, and the other from the Boudreaux & Thibodeaux Construction Co.
In order to decide who to give the job to, they decided to see which company would do the best job and gave the two groups a hands-on test. They had the company from Texas install poles down one side of the levee, and Boudreaux & Thibodeaux do the other side.
Later that day the phone company man went out to check their progress, and saw that the Texans had installed about thirty poles, but B & T had only put in five.
The company rep asked Boudreaux why they were so slow. Boudreaux explained, "Yeh, dey did a lot more poles den we did, but look how much dey left sticking out de ground."
In order to decide who to give the job to, they decided to see which company would do the best job and gave the two groups a hands-on test. They had the company from Texas install poles down one side of the levee, and Boudreaux & Thibodeaux do the other side.
Later that day the phone company man went out to check their progress, and saw that the Texans had installed about thirty poles, but B & T had only put in five.
The company rep asked Boudreaux why they were so slow. Boudreaux explained, "Yeh, dey did a lot more poles den we did, but look how much dey left sticking out de ground."
California History
This week in 1850
California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets.
So, basically it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy
Came the sad day when Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy, life-long friends who had lived in the same building for fifty years, had to go to their respective Jewish and Catholic nursing homes.
After a couple of weeks, Mrs. Cohen called Mrs. Murphy and said, I really miss you, but I have a new boyfriend.
Oh, that’s wonderful, said Mrs. Murphy. “What do you do together?”
Mrs. Cohen said, “Well, after lunch, he comes back with me to my room. We kiss a little, then he touches me on top, then he touches me below, and then we sing Yiddish songs.
“Lovely!” said Mrs. Murphy. “I met someone too. We've been keeping company.”
“Oh, really,” asked Mrs. Cohen. “And what do you two do together?”
“Well,” said Mrs. Murphy, “after lunch, he, too, comes back with me to my room. We kiss a little, then he touches me on top, then he touches me below, but we don't know any Yiddish songs, so we just screw.”
After a couple of weeks, Mrs. Cohen called Mrs. Murphy and said, I really miss you, but I have a new boyfriend.
Oh, that’s wonderful, said Mrs. Murphy. “What do you do together?”
Mrs. Cohen said, “Well, after lunch, he comes back with me to my room. We kiss a little, then he touches me on top, then he touches me below, and then we sing Yiddish songs.
“Lovely!” said Mrs. Murphy. “I met someone too. We've been keeping company.”
“Oh, really,” asked Mrs. Cohen. “And what do you two do together?”
“Well,” said Mrs. Murphy, “after lunch, he, too, comes back with me to my room. We kiss a little, then he touches me on top, then he touches me below, but we don't know any Yiddish songs, so we just screw.”
Cannibals at wok
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "Four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually works around here."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "Four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually works around here."
Shipwrecked
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Toilet seat
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the
commode seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the
commode seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."
Waiting for you tonight...
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the twisted sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you......
You friggin' little mosquito.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the twisted sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you......
You friggin' little mosquito.
Young Monk at the Monastery
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
The Abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old guy.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R' We missed the 'R'!" His forehead was all bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... celebRate!"
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
The Abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old guy.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R' We missed the 'R'!" His forehead was all bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... celebRate!"
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Blonde
Carol and Donna were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Pregnant Blonde
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
Something Exciting
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something "exciting" and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scott
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scott, along with their wives decided to spend an afternoon on the links. Deciding to play a couple against couple match it was determined that the English couple would go first.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've got nuthin' coverin' your bum. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a tenner. Go buy yourself some and don't shame me so!"
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've got nuthin' coverin' your bum. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a tenner. Go buy yourself some and don't shame me so!"
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Funeral Procession
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Tennessee near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Mexican in the nursing home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather
in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities
were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit
their abuelo. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different
from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played
the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!"
"And me! I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The F@#king Mexican'."
in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities
were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit
their abuelo. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different
from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played
the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!"
"And me! I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The F@#king Mexican'."
Paul Newman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk 5 mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center
of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together, she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're 45 years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to her, "You put it in your purse."
of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together, she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're 45 years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to her, "You put it in your purse."
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