Top Country Music Songs

Top Ten Country Western Songs …

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

  9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

  8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

  7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

  6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

  5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

  4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

  3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

  2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is ...

1.       It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

As I Grow Older ...

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.    Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.   She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Telling the Truth

A little girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

Impressed, the girl then tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

Facts of Life

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.  The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.  The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
 
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

 
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady!  Tell your daughter the truth!  For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
 
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

 
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear.  Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Pelosi for Saint

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Ms. Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Speaker Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No.  I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

The Speaker's aide responded, "Look.  I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well … the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's  presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my  personal favorite personages.  Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.

Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief and I would have to say that Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.  She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.  She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California.  The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded with this statement, "But, when compared with Obama and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Just Doing What She Asked ...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode.  Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.  After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower she decided to relieve herself and sat on the freshly painted toilet seat.  As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.  They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts so that she could stand up.  Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well Doctor.  I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.  I just never saw one MOUNTED and FRAMED before."

Election Comment

We've just ended election season in New Jersey and Virginia.  One observer commented ...

“I haven't left my house in days.  I watch the news channels incessantly.

All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.

 

Election, erection, election, erection -- either way we're getting screwed!”

And When I Die ...

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him and believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88.  His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren't you afraid that he may be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down … And you know men won't ask for directions.”

Switching Channels

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said, "OH for god's sake, Harry.  Leave it on the porn channel.  You already know how to fish!”

No Wonder ...

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body (duh!) and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well … I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone ... I'll be in the shower!
 

All Come In ...

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrive.  St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here.  I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here.  This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are brothers.  Now, go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the Black and Mexican guys?" asked God.

"No!” says Peter, “The Pearly Gates."

Mama Visits ...

Mrs. Martini visited her son, Anthony, for dinner.  He lived with a female roommate, Maria.  During the course of the meal, Mrs. Martini couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it,” said Anthony, “But I'll email her, just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama


Moral: Never lie to your Mama.

MBA Smart

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as an executive assistant to the owner of a fast-growing computer software company.  The man was in his late sixties, but handsome and hard working.

She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters.  When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.  "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre d.

"Gee," she replied, "Anywhere you say, Dad."

Never Try to Outsmart a College Student

 

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine.  To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:  Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria.

Next to it a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

New Book

A man goes into Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady at the service counter, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?  I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one.  I'll take a copy."

Two Simple Truths ...

#1 Partners help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex they always dress alone.

The moral:  In life no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

 
#2
When I woman is pregnant, her friends will pat her tummy and say, “Congrats.”  But none of them come up, pat the man’s penis and say, “Good Job.”

The moral:  Hard Work is seldom appreciated.

Five Horses ...

A man asked an American Indian Chief the name of his wife.

The Chief replied, “She called Five Horses.”

The man said that hers was a most unusual name and asked if it had any special meaning.

The Chief said, “It an old Indian name … It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG”

NSA did What?

And you thought that you had secrets ...

Live The Dream ...

A Liberal's Nirvana

That's Really Big!

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.  He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am … how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!”

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am.  I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths.  Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am. I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am.  I already know what it is. And the answer is ... four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor ma'am … From the floor.”

Postman Retires ...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him … give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A Duck Goes Into a Bar ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?!  We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Hurry!

An older woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.  "Did you know you were speeding?" he asked politely.

The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated, "Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

 

A Great Discovery

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”

Opinions Expressed ...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Who Gives This Woman?

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Can't Wait ...

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man,” the husband said, “We're both 90 years old and we may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

When I Win ...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Just Fishin'

A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.  He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"


His brother replies, "I'm fishing.  What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid.  If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

The Season of our Discontent?

Aesop said,

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

Plato said,

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."

How nice to know that after all these years ... nothing has changed.

Big Kahuna

Family Tradition

 

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers because his father had been Airborne.  He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day he phoned his father to tell him about his experience.

 

"So, how was your 1st jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane."

I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, so then you jumped?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"A little, at first ...

 

 

 

Just Checkin'

A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he'd spent the previous night.

"Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?" he asks.

"You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night," the bartender assures him.

"Thank God," the man says, greatly relieved. "I was afraid I'd lost that money."

What Would Will Say?

Will Rogers didn't say this ... but he could have

"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand."

Every Comic has Advice for the Prez ...

More Advice from Leno ...

Good Advice ...

A Difficult Decision ...

Difficult decisions come early in life ...

Oh Canada!

Common Sense isn't dead in Canada ...

The Liberal Dream Ticket

What could possibly be better than this ticket for the next Presidential election ...

Vacation Pics ...

And you thought the elephant ride would be slow and dull ...

 

 

 

Just Sayin' ...

Some days it just doesn't pay to get up ...

 

 

 

 

We just couldn't wait any longer ...

 

Well?

 

 

You Can't Trust a Goat ...

This story came from a newspaper in South Africa ...

 

 

Just be aware ...

Leno Has It Figured Out ...

JAY LENO: President Obama held a press conference earlier today, and he said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does: declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.  It will be gone in a minute.  Be gone in a minute!  One month!  Be out of there!

This just seems like a GOOD idea ...

 

 

 

Our New Secret Weapon ...

Thank You Harry Potter ...

The Real Problem ...

Nuff Said ...

Only in the UK ...

Oooooops ...

Damn kids ... they never do as they're told ...

 

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to attach the USA ...

You in trouble now, little Dude ...

 

 

 

The Husband Store ...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.   Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.   The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'But I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.   There are no men on this floor.   This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Investment Opportunity

Interested in an Investment Opportunity ...

I thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing very well.

He says prophets are going through the roof …

Thoughts on LIFE ...

EIGHT THOUGHTS ON LIFE:

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don’t see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a Person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

Health Nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the Hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.   Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And … The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers - what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Isn't It Obvious ...

NASA’s robot “Curiosity” landed on Mars.

Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.

This makes it very clear that Men are NOT from Mars.

Really?

I want one of those jobs where people ask,

    “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

Too Smart for the 1st Grade

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1^st grade. My sister is in the 3^rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3^rd grade too!"

The boy continued to insist and Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1^stgrade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3^rd grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Harry can go to the 3^rd grade."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment answered, "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why she asked such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry said, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.“

What Do YOU Want to Be?

A teacher asks the kids in her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Of course, the first hand up was Johnny’s. “Well Johnny,” said the teacher, very concerned about what he might say, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Johnny stood and looked around the room, "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari that costs over a million dollars, give her an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe along with an Infinite visa card and make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. She looks around the room and says, “And you, Maria?”

Maria stood and said, “Ma’am, I have no doubt. I want to be Johnny's bitch.”

Senior Golf

Arthur is 90 years old.  He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. 

One day he arrives home looking sad.  "That's it," he tells his wife.   "I'm giving up golf.   My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother's a hundred and three.  He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "But his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.   He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight,"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

 

As only a Mother could explain ...

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.   The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.   The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady!   Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud ... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear.   Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

 

What a Nagging Wife Deserves ...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.   After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.   Before getting in the shower she decided to relieve herself and sat on the freshly painted toilet seat.   As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.   They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

 

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts so that she could stand up.   Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well Doctor.   I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.  I've just never saw one MOUNTED and FRAMED before."

 

 

Advice for Women

Found on the wall in a women’s restroom …

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
 

And over the mirror in another women’s restroom …

You're too good for him …



From a women’s restroom in Dallas …

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.

You shoud be "in the know"

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.
 
In other news ... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.

Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

Just keeping you up to date!

A Story of Newlyweds

John and Nancy had just flown to their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach in Florida. They found their hotel room but decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel pool.

Nancy must have dropped a few pounds due to the pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dove into the pool, she lost either the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini. They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed and retrieved the pieces, having fun as newlyweds would do.

Later they dressed for dinner and went down to the hotel restaurant.   Waiting for a table in the dining room they sat in the lounge with all the other guests and ordered drinks.   The bartender was exceptionally nice and was quite attentive to Nancy.

Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, John asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he glanced at Nancy and replied, "That's not a fish tank … it's the swimming pool."

Offering a Compliment

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely.  Most tables would have collapsed by now."

And We Quote ...

We quote Frank Sinatra …

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

It Matters Who Drinks ...

Driving my friend Gary and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Gary's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Gary corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

Gather 'round the Christmas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asks the son.

'”Yes, you see them and they make you cry,” says the father with a bit of a smirk.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” squeaks the daughter.

“Yes … the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!”

True Story?

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

How Many?

How many freshmen football players at the University of Miami does it take to change a light bulb?


None.
That's a sophomore course.

GEICO Take Note ...

When your gecko is broken …

     You have a reptile dysfunction …

Snappy Comeback ...

For the ladies … when you need a snappy comeback

"Really … I’m not your type.

I’m not inflatable."

Another Snappy Comeback ...

Here’s another snappy comeback you’ll want to remember …"I’d tell you to go to hell … but I work there …
And I really don’t want to see you every day!"

Quick Comeback for her ...

If sex with 4 people is called a foursome;
And sex with 3 people is called a threesome;
And sex with 2 people is a twosome;

Now I understand why they call you handsome!

We'll Never Understand ...

I'll never ever understand women.

My dear wife hounded me for months and months to fix the damaged downspout of our gutter system.

But, when I finally fixed it, she was hopping mad!

Like I said, I guess I'll never ever understand women!

 

Ahhhh ... Spring!

Spring 2013 ...

Definition ...

Hangover:

  God’s way of saying you kicked ass last night

Listening at the Airport ...

This past week we spent some time in airports … just standing around waiting for a flight and waiting to be jammed into a sardine can for a couple of hours at a time. We spent some time listening in on other people’s conversations and picked up these gems …

A mother to her son …

You are NOT stupid. I just think that sometimes you have bad luck when thinking.


Two women talking …

I hate it when people say, “He’s a nice person once you get to know him. They might as well just say, he’s a total ass-wipe, but you’ll get used to it.


Two men having a political argument …

I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument that you are making.


One salesman to another …

My nickname is Laxative … I make shit happen!


A man to his wife …

I am NOT an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
I’m a drunk … we go to parties.


One flight attendant to another while waiting for their flight …

I want to like people, really I do … But they are just so damned stupid!


Eavesdropping can be fun and enlightening …

There are Blonde Men ...

A woman phoned her blonde male neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because, I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Famous Quotes

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

OMG !!

Now this ... is just totally scary

 

Some Ting Wong ...

The box says, "Strawberries"

Firelane?

Really?

I love that group!

Ritght there on the 50 yard line?

Watermellon Corn?

WTF?

Folow Me!