May 31, 2008
May 25, 2008
Birth Order of Children
How you react to your children according to their order of Birth ...
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a damned thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress- a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (our favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a damned thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress- a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (our favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Church Whisper
A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust ..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very attentive littlegirl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice ...... "Mom, what is butt dust?"
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust ..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very attentive littlegirl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice ...... "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Three Grandmas
Three old grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing!" he said, “How did you guess that?"
The 3 old grandmas, laughed, slapping their knees while grinning from ear to ear. Then all three yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing!" he said, “How did you guess that?"
The 3 old grandmas, laughed, slapping their knees while grinning from ear to ear. Then all three yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
Fire Dog ...
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
A Child on the Telephone ...
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle ..."ME!"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle ..."ME!"
Raffle Winners
Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from West Virginia were in a local Wal-Mart and they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. Theybought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so later when the men met back at Wal-Mart, Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so later when the men met back at Wal-Mart, Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Southern Lady
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Mississippi River bridge in Vicksburg one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car-- rolled down her window and said, "Please, darlin', please don't jump; think of your momma and daddy."
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well then darlin', think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well then, for gosh sake, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee and why should I think of him?"
She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
She stopped her car-- rolled down her window and said, "Please, darlin', please don't jump; think of your momma and daddy."
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well then darlin', think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well then, for gosh sake, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee and why should I think of him?"
She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
Ex-Husband
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and saw a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asked, "I notice you've been watching that man for sometime now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replied, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replied. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
The husband asked, "I notice you've been watching that man for sometime now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replied, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replied. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
May 22, 2008
May 20, 2008
May 18, 2008
Monday Mailer
It occured to us that we should post an entire Monday Mailer for
you to read and get a little of the flavor of our weekly newsletter.
The following is a Mailer from just about 2 years ago ...
Ola Monday … and Ola to you, the lucky subscribers to the Monday
Mailer. We are back with another edition of our attempt to keep you,
the un-funny in the world, informed as to what good humor really is.
We know that most of you struggle with the concept of being funny
because we have read the jokes you submit to us and it is pretty
clear that you are clueless. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just
someone that needs to leave being funny to professionals – like us.
We have a few new ones for you today and probably a few that have
been around for a while, but we’re guessing you won’t know the
difference.
Most of you know that we like to begin our weekly humor message
with what we call our “sign of the times” story. This week we report
something that may be more truth than fiction, but it is certainly a
sign of the times …
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "no."
The dispatcher told him that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
‘cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked
out a large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's
very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get
sick. In fact, it could even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the
boy, but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.
About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill
your dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then?" he asked.
"Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to
two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the roomin tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother."I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came
out" replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the Mom.
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this Deputy Sheriff. He was being cross-examined by a
defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to
under-mine the Deputy's credibility:
Q: "Officer...did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer...who provided this description?"
A: "An officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender? Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir...with my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have
a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer...if you trust your fellow officers with your
life...you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir...we share the building with the court complex, and
Sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!"
The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As we do most weeks, we conclude the Monday Mailer with our “Old
Fart” story of the day. We thought this one was just too touching
not to pass along …
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Enough for today ……
Be careful of that Spin Cycle ……
you to read and get a little of the flavor of our weekly newsletter.
The following is a Mailer from just about 2 years ago ...
Ola Monday … and Ola to you, the lucky subscribers to the Monday
Mailer. We are back with another edition of our attempt to keep you,
the un-funny in the world, informed as to what good humor really is.
We know that most of you struggle with the concept of being funny
because we have read the jokes you submit to us and it is pretty
clear that you are clueless. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just
someone that needs to leave being funny to professionals – like us.
We have a few new ones for you today and probably a few that have
been around for a while, but we’re guessing you won’t know the
difference.
Most of you know that we like to begin our weekly humor message
with what we call our “sign of the times” story. This week we report
something that may be more truth than fiction, but it is certainly a
sign of the times …
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "no."
The dispatcher told him that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
‘cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked
out a large box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's
very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get
sick. In fact, it could even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the
boy, but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.
About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill
your dog," the grocer said.
"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."
The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then?" he asked.
"Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to
two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the roomin tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother."I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came
out" replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the Mom.
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this Deputy Sheriff. He was being cross-examined by a
defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to
under-mine the Deputy's credibility:
Q: "Officer...did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer...who provided this description?"
A: "An officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender? Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir...with my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have
a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer...if you trust your fellow officers with your
life...you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir...we share the building with the court complex, and
Sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!"
The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As we do most weeks, we conclude the Monday Mailer with our “Old
Fart” story of the day. We thought this one was just too touching
not to pass along …
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Enough for today ……
Be careful of that Spin Cycle ……
May 11, 2008
Ancient Chinese Saying ...
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eye she saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read: “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
"I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eye she saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read: “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Proof Positive ...
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was, at one time, the Garden of Eden.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was, at one time, the Garden of Eden.
You've Been Warned ...
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
May 06, 2008
May 04, 2008
May 03, 2008
Talented Applicant
A local business was looking for office help and put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED. Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal OpportunityEmployer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionistand wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back upon the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionistand wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back upon the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Helpful Nurse
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says rather slowly, "That was very nice but, are --my--test--results--back?”
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says rather slowly, "That was very nice but, are --my--test--results--back?”
You're Beautiful
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now"cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now"cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
Last Wishes ...
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father," she said. "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." She opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Of course, Sister. Anything," he said.
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" she asked.
The priest consented and after afew minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life," he told her in a husky voice.
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful! Why don't you stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father," she said. "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." She opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Of course, Sister. Anything," he said.
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" she asked.
The priest consented and after afew minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life," he told her in a husky voice.
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful! Why don't you stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
Good Advice
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
New Friendship Poems
Are you tired of all those sissy "Friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship …
When you are sad –
I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue –
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile –
I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared –
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are confused –
I will use little words.
When you are sick –
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall –
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
And Finally ……
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
When you are sad –
I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue –
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile –
I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared –
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are confused –
I will use little words.
When you are sick –
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall –
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
And Finally ……
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield passed away in 2004. He was the king of “I get no respect.”
Here are just a few of his classics ……
"My wife said we were having a baby. I said if it comes out looking like you, it will be beautiful. She said if it comes out looking like you, it will be a miracle."
Once I saw a man jogging naked in my neighborhood, I asked him why he was running down my street naked and he said, "Because you came home early!"
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Here are just a few of his classics ……
"My wife said we were having a baby. I said if it comes out looking like you, it will be beautiful. She said if it comes out looking like you, it will be a miracle."
Once I saw a man jogging naked in my neighborhood, I asked him why he was running down my street naked and he said, "Because you came home early!"
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... "Don't Step on the Ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter (who doesn't miss a thing) and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the two of them together for eternity as he had done to the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter (who doesn't miss a thing) and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the two of them together for eternity as he had done to the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Irish Personals
Here are a couple of ads from the personal section of a Dublin newspaper.
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
And then there was this one from a man that lives in a dream world …… Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
And then there was this one from a man that lives in a dream world …… Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
May 01, 2008
Wonders of Technology
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to his friend Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart
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