Christmas is Tight This Year

My dear friends,

It is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.

I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes.

You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response as it is crucial that I get the right size for each of you.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Speech Impediment

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

(if you don’t know who Jimmy Durante is … ask someone over 50)

Difference ...

After talking with a friend that is preparing for a lengthy trip on his motorcycle we were reminded of this quick one …

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

New Supermarket

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Too Well Trained

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

Yankee?

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Fascinate

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Sharon has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Navajo on the Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people, "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elders message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

A Cow from Illinois

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

Bless the Horse

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quickstop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

He was dumbfounded and made his way to the track. When he found the priest, he demanded, ”What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Non-believers … You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Old Fart Baby

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. She was discharged from the hospital and went home.

Very soon her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit fora while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another fifteen minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the new mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" the mother shouted at them.

They demanded to know why they had to wait until the baby cried.

"BECAUSE,” she said. “I forgot where I put him."

Is Sex Work?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority … a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In otherwords, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi speaks softly, but with great assurance, "My son, this thing I know … If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Quoting Lillian

We stumbled across this quote from the mother of ex-President Jimmy Carter:

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian …you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter

Fly a Kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Strong Bartender

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including some professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter … what?"

The little fella replied, "I work for the IRS."

A Push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on their door.

The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!”

He slamed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

The husband is properly shamed, gets dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" he called out to the stranger.

"Yes, please!” came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband while rain ran into his eyes.

Then he heard the reply, "Over here. On the swing!"

Priorities

As we age, our priorities change.

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple ofshort velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went to the golf course.

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, TurnerBrown."

The little white man fainted and fell to the floor.

The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude replied, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Oh my gawd, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Japanese Wife

A young Japanese woman had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pickup her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Awe, So sorry...excuse please. Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

Another Jewish Mother

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

The son then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?” he says.

“Simple,” the Jewish mother replies. "I don't like her."

Gentile Jokes

Have you ever wondered why there are not Gentile jokes? We have a never ending supply of Jewish stories, but never a good Gentile joke. In researching that topic we received the following in way of explanation from the Great Randu …

Here are some gentile jokes …

A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"

The salesman says, "Its $500."

The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

^^^^

Two gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"

The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"

^^^^

Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.

Gentile mother #1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"

Gentile mother #2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

^^^^

A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."

His mother says, "OK."

^^^^

A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."

The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"

The man says, "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."

The waiter says, "Thank you."

^^^^

A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling.”

AND NOW … you know why there are no gentile jokes.

Management Lesson

John desperately wanted to have sex with a woman in his office, but she was married and just wasn’t interested in an affair.

One day John got so frustrated he called her into his office and said, "I'll give you a $1,000 if you let me have sex with you."

Without hesitation she replied, “NO.”

"I'll be fast,” he told her. “I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down. I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

Weakening somewhat she said, "I'll have to ask my husband." She pulled out her cell phone, called her husband and told him the story.

Her husband thought for about two seconds, excited about the idea of some easy money, and then replied, "Ask him for $2,000. When he throws it on the floor, quickly pick up the money and run. He won't even be able to get his pants down.

So with her husband’s agreement she accepted the proposal. Half an hour later her husband still hadn't heard from her. So he called, and called, and called. No answer.

Finally after a long hour she answered.

"What happened?" her husband asked anxiously.

"The bastard used coins."

Management Lesson - "Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it. Otherwise, you might get screwed."

Passport Please

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The old fellow admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" snorted the pompous customs man.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Look What I Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.

He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What do you have there?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it’s Adam's underwear!"

Big Breakthrough ...

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Shall We Dance?

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.

A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, ain't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "Can you dance? If not, I'm about to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector’s feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

Holding the large gun was the little prospector who said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

Expensive Doc

Jerry had had it. Finally, worried to death, he went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much will that cost me?" Jerry asked.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry, wondering how he could afford the cost but knowing that he needed the help.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well.... Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year was an awful lot of money! I found a bartender who cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so,” said the shrink. “And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

What's Your Name?

A man (probably a lawyer) scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he told her. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He sipped his drink and replied, "WhiskyTits."

It's Bad for Me

A guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.

"No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs," she said.

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell," he asked

"No,” she told him. “They spread."

Think it Over

Two guys from Daniels County are sittin' in a boat at Fort Peck, Montana, fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden one of them says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

After a lengthy pause the second fellow sips his beer and says, "You better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."

Rodeo Exhibits

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See, he mated 50 times last year. That's almost once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this big guy."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if he did it each time with the same cow."

Pro Choice ...

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight over Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him.

Then the attendant asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Young Doctor

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Special Appointment

Sitting at the table at the neighborhood Starbucks, one woman relates this story to her friend …

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early on Monday morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 AM appointment was available and, of course, I took it.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office takes about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t even going to have time for a bath. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Pairs or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond because I had no idea what he was talking about and just wanted to get this over with and get out.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

"No!" she yelled back at me. "I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Redneck Education

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Speeding

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.


I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

Political Differences

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes." So the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy overthere?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then as Jesus began to walk toward the Democrat the man jumped upand shouted, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability."

Understanding the Military

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Where Would You Be ...

Where would you be if:

1) You have all the money your heart desires ...

2) You have no worries ...

3) You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you ...

4) Your bathwater has been run ...

5) You have the perfect kids ...

6) Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses ...

So where would you be? In the wrong fucking house ...

How Do You ...

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, “BINGO!”

Fast Thinking Pays Off

Last night, my blonde friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

Advice to Parents

Tough Love vs. Spanking -

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

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