He's anxious to spend another four years in the White House.
October 24, 2016
October 14, 2016
October 03, 2016
September 16, 2016
September 13, 2016
Biased Media?
Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his
yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.
A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.
The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water!
Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Postand New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.
The next morning the New York Times headline read:
"Donald Trump Can't Swim"
August 29, 2016
We Miss Bum ...
Former Houston Oilers' coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he took his wife along on all the team’s road trips.
Phillips responded, "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
Campaign With Style
Donald and Hillary go into a bakery on the campaign trail, both determined to convince the owner to vote for one of them for President.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.”
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."
August 18, 2016
August 09, 2016
August 02, 2016
Please Understand This ...
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.
Now, we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?
Women Believe ...
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
The Girls ...
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, the waiters wore tight pants and they had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes) and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
Where is the Secret Service?
It's a Good Thing that Obama is God-like.
He can probably just fly away from this hungry bear.
Obviously, the bear is a racist
July 22, 2016
Armani!
We're not sharing this photo to blast Hillary for giving a speech about inequality while wearing a $12,500 Armani jacket.
We're posting this to give hi-fives to Armani for being able to sell a potato sack with sleeves for $12,500!
July 08, 2016
It's the Political Season ...
I was reading an internet article about benefits of Costco membership.
Someone’s comment: Costco has a liberal return policy if you, for whatever reason, you don’t LOVE your purchase.
Reply: Wow, I didn’t think that liberals had any worth at all, much less that you might get a trade-in on them or maybe store credit. Honestly, I wouldn't purchase one in the first place. They are always mad and require too much upkeep!
It Ain't Supposed to Happen Thisaway ...
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel.
The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna.
In a few minutes, he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
Just Wondering ...
I Found a stray parrot on my balcony this morning.
All he says is, "Good morning, you old fart."
Is he yours?
July 04, 2016
Ah ... The Old Days
I long for the good old days before political correctness …
When kids were allowed to play Livestock Management Technicians and Indigenous Peoples.
This is how it works ...
Step One:
I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!”
He said "NO!”
I told him I wanted him to marry Bill Gates daughter!
He said "OKAY!”
Step Two:
I contacted Bill Gates and told him, "I want your daughter to marry my son!”
He said "NO!”
I told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!”
Step Three:
I went to the President of the World Bank and told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!”
I told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!”
And That’s Exactly how Politics works …
My Mother-In-Law
My mother-in-law is coming for a visit.
I had to clear out half of my closet so that she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep.
Luck of the Irish
Paddy: "Your new secretary is very sexy."
Seamus: "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen. If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation and if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. She will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental. She is the perfect employee.”
After Paddy sounded impressed, Seamus said, “I'll lend her to you for a day and you can see how functional and efficient she is."
Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital and shouted, "Seamus … You bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a pencil sharpener."
June 20, 2016
May 11, 2016
Five Rules
A very wise, retired fellow in Florida submitted the
following:
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will
remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to
shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then
neither does milk.Got What He Deserved
A woman helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a
password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his
wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a
word: mypenis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Come to think of it ...
If Trump gets elected, it will be the first time in
history that a billionaire has moved into public housing that was vacated by a
black family.
True Words ...
Monica Lewinsky released the following statement concerning Hillary Clinton's run for President.
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As
we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they
cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she out-sourced
it to me.
And I simply blew it."
A Sign of our Times ...
The truth is way
too strange these days.
Not many years ago, GM made automobiles in Flint, Michigan and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico.
After 7+ years of
Obama, GM now makes cars in Mexico and you can't drink the water in Flint …
Go figure!!
April 22, 2016
April 19, 2016
He Needs Help!
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,"May I help you?"
A man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open. That makes it a maintenance matter."
A Short Quiz
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hilary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5?
You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Lovely, just lovely!
April 12, 2016
Revenge Parking
In case you needed some ideas on how to handle those 'special' people that can park anywhere they please ...
March 29, 2016
New Words ...
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President, put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.
February 26, 2016
February 17, 2016
Troubled Doctor
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it,
he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, “Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, “Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, “Dave …You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”
A Problem With Squirrels
The first time we published this story there were three churches ... Now we have four churches and a synagogue. Everything gets updated.
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town:
a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church
and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and
the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what
to do about their squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be
there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest
in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two
weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative
strategy. They baptized all the
squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and
Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Survey Says ...
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra
weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Reagan's Last Words ...
I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for President Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
President Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said ...
I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together!
January 15, 2016
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