November 25, 2012
October 31, 2012
October 04, 2012
October 03, 2012
September 16, 2012
September 13, 2012
August 28, 2012
August 07, 2012
I might have thought it but I wouldn't have the guts to do what this guy did!
When the prez of the U.S. stands up and says that "you didn't build that, someone else did" he insulted every businessman that ever started a business and tried to run a successful business. It's time we stood up and say "NO, Mr. President, you are wrong. I built this business." If you have a marque or a sign board you owe it to your country to answer back. This is my answer to Obama.
Raymond Gaster
Celebrating 27 Years of Providing
Materials for Savannah's Finest Homes
Materials for Savannah's Finest Homes
July 19, 2012
June 04, 2012
Cell Phone Etiquette
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the Metrorail station.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting. No, honey, I was not with that floozy from the accounting office. I was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart.”
Fifteen minutes later and three stops down the line, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice, "Damnit, Eric. Turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer ... but that’s just a guess.
Just a Thoughtful Golfer
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says 'Private property - Stay Out!'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The homeowner says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
Be Prepared ...
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist:
While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely,
The Opportunist
May 28, 2012
April 18, 2012
April 01, 2012
February 26, 2012
February 25, 2012
A Plan for the Future
For two years an man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatball … two without ... Send Extra Sauce
Help from my wife ...
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ...
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Advice from my broker ...
I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's early 80's.
I told him I thought we ought to be looking into getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest. I asked if we should move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?
He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer ... canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."
Just thought I'd pass that along today.
What Do You Need?
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
The first child announced, "A computer."
The teacher replied, "That would be very useful."
The second student said, "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and said, "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asked him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replied, "Nope … I'm sure. Last night at dinner my sister said that she was pregnant and I remember my daddy said, ‘Well, that's the last damned thing we needed.’”
9 Months After the Ski Trip
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Kevin. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.
“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Because she just died and left me everything.”
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.
“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Because she just died and left me everything.”
Condoms for Donald
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
In Case I Die ...
On lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting around the breakfast table when I unexpectedly said, “When I die, I want you to sell all of my stuff … immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “A woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and finally said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “A woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me intently and finally said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
February 08, 2012
Polish Hunting Trip
Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both ... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
January 20, 2012
Pet Frog ...
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."
"Blow jobs!" the woman exclaimed.
"It hasn't been proved to me, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true ... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."
"Blow jobs!" the woman exclaimed.
"It hasn't been proved to me, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true ... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
Careless Companion
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
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