October 30, 2020
October 29, 2020
October 26, 2020
October 22, 2020
October 21, 2020
October 20, 2020
October 16, 2020
Prepare Yourself
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
Mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so
I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to
slow down her racing mind, but she simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?”
October 15, 2020
He's Not Looking
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, to make sure everything was in good shape.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
Coming closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Please feel free to stay
here and enjoy yourselves.”
Holding the bucket up, he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
October 13, 2020
Words Women Use
This is educational material for MEN
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut
up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the
house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine. ?
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't
Do It! ? ?
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. ? (Refer back to
# 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not
question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want
to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she
is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're
welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever.')
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Damn YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response
refer to # 3.
October 12, 2020
New Rules for the Seniors
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors, pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At the point of her asking for questions, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?”
One for Halloween
An extremely modest man was in the
hospital for a series of tests. The last of which had left his bodily
systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He
suddenly filled
his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Clever Words
CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
Read the words closely and then the definition
1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work elsewhere
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
Read the words closely and then the definition
1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work elsewhere
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER
7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE
8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money
10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES
11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX
Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST
13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE
14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE
15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of the TV
16. RELIEF
16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK
17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH
18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED
19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS
20. PARADIGMS
20 Cents
October 09, 2020
Can Anyone Count?
The Korean War, in which the US Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.
During
one such conflict an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was
fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty
Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many, many many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer.
General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many, many Chinese!"
"Dammit!"
swore Puller, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio." In a
minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes Sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"General, we've got a whole @#$^&*^ shitload of Chinese up here.
"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"
October 08, 2020
October 06, 2020
October 02, 2020
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