Dear Gramma ...

A Man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says ...

Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle it makes your nose look too short.

Love,
Grandma

Retirement Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day Nancy and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Nancy called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Just Being Helpful ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!"

"You're cooking too many at once,” he continued to rant. “TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!”

Without taking a breath he half shouted, “Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! Use the SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Live & Learn

During a commercial airline flight, a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Baked Democrat ...

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu …

+ Tourist: $5.oo

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.oo

+ Fried Explorer: $15.oo

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.oo

The cannibal asked to see the chef and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her Mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Little Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in therein the first place ... smack his ass again!"

A Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or complain …

But this was a long time ago …

and it was just ONE day.

The End

Call the IT Department

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

IT Help Desk: What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed.

IT Help Desk: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse.

Caller : Mmmmm…… oh really?... I'll send a picture.

Way to Go, Dad

Ummmm ... Does someone check the Headlines?

Bah Humbug

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!

New Sponsor

Tiger has a New Sponsor ...

And you have to admit ... this is great Marketing Strategy

Tiger Time

You had to know that these were coming ...