A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't!"
October 05, 2008
October 04, 2008
Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Telephone Conversation with a Jewish Mother
Daughter (on the phone): Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ... and left it there all night.
Two Drunk Wives
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with and decided she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
Clever Bob ...
Bob, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are rocked by this news and ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
One of his confused friends asked, "What do you mean? Didyou tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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