Christmas is Tight This Year

My dear friends,

It is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.

I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes.

You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response as it is crucial that I get the right size for each of you.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Speech Impediment

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

(if you don’t know who Jimmy Durante is … ask someone over 50)

Difference ...

After talking with a friend that is preparing for a lengthy trip on his motorcycle we were reminded of this quick one …

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

New Supermarket

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Too Well Trained

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

Yankee?

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.