Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had … an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, “No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.”

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

ADVICE FROM MEN TO WOMEN

~ Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

~ Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

~ Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

~ Never buy a “new” brand of beer because “it was on sale.” (This would apply to any and all adult beverages that I appreciate.)

~ What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view!

~ When I ask, “How many guys have you slept with?” It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

~ When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying “Oh, this is our exit, Honey,” is not really necessary.

~ The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. During winter months, it will be slightly, to moderately cooler, than you want it.

~ SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or communicate with your Mother via SKYPE, telephone or Dixie Cup.

~ If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

~ You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

~ It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

Sex With Ghosts

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raised their hands."That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raised their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said … Goats!"

Confessional

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "You're on my side. Get out."

Ahh ... To be a Royal ...

We don't have a caption for this one ... and can only imagine what the Prince is saying ...

Women ...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.