Fixin' the Roof

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair.  Mike offered his services.

About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.

Mike was apologetic.  "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said.  "Every one of the neighbors I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."

The priest was shocked.  "Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mike?"

"Oh, yes, to be sure there are, Father," said Mike. "And I've written to them."

Translating

Carpe diem does NOT mean 'Gripe all Day'

Can't Trust Her

As we get closer to the 2016 election, remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs in America.

The last time she had a job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.

Taste Sweet?

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.  I went straight back to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the  counter.

The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?"

Being a senior citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.  Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacists, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"

So I said, "Oh thank God!  That's a real relief!  My Doctor told me to get my urine checked for Sugar!"

“Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly anyway!”

Sign of the Times ...

The daughter said, "Daddy, I am coming home to get married.  Take out your checkbook.  I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.  I am in California and he lives in New York.  We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper.  Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."

The Father answered, "Wow!  Really!  Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal.  And if you get fed up with your husband ... sell him on Ebay."

A Lone Ranger Quiz

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.  Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment and then says, "Tonto, you dumb-ass. Someone has stolen our tent."