The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
May 03, 2008
New Friendship Poems
Are you tired of all those sissy "Friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship …
When you are sad –
I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue –
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile –
I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared –
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are confused –
I will use little words.
When you are sick –
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall –
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
And Finally ……
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
When you are sad –
I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue –
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile –
I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared –
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are confused –
I will use little words.
When you are sick –
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall –
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
And Finally ……
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield passed away in 2004. He was the king of “I get no respect.”
Here are just a few of his classics ……
"My wife said we were having a baby. I said if it comes out looking like you, it will be beautiful. She said if it comes out looking like you, it will be a miracle."
Once I saw a man jogging naked in my neighborhood, I asked him why he was running down my street naked and he said, "Because you came home early!"
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Here are just a few of his classics ……
"My wife said we were having a baby. I said if it comes out looking like you, it will be beautiful. She said if it comes out looking like you, it will be a miracle."
Once I saw a man jogging naked in my neighborhood, I asked him why he was running down my street naked and he said, "Because you came home early!"
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... "Don't Step on the Ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter (who doesn't miss a thing) and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the two of them together for eternity as he had done to the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter (who doesn't miss a thing) and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains the two of them together for eternity as he had done to the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on. Very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Irish Personals
Here are a couple of ads from the personal section of a Dublin newspaper.
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
And then there was this one from a man that lives in a dream world …… Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
And then there was this one from a man that lives in a dream world …… Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
May 01, 2008
Wonders of Technology
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to his friend Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Wal Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart
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