Three old grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing!" he said, “How did you guess that?"
The 3 old grandmas, laughed, slapping their knees while grinning from ear to ear. Then all three yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."
May 25, 2008
Fire Dog ...
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
A Child on the Telephone ...
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle ..."ME!"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle ..."ME!"
Raffle Winners
Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from West Virginia were in a local Wal-Mart and they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. Theybought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so later when the men met back at Wal-Mart, Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so later when the men met back at Wal-Mart, Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Southern Lady
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Mississippi River bridge in Vicksburg one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car-- rolled down her window and said, "Please, darlin', please don't jump; think of your momma and daddy."
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well then darlin', think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well then, for gosh sake, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee and why should I think of him?"
She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
She stopped her car-- rolled down her window and said, "Please, darlin', please don't jump; think of your momma and daddy."
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well then darlin', think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well then, for gosh sake, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee and why should I think of him?"
She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."
Ex-Husband
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and saw a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asked, "I notice you've been watching that man for sometime now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replied, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replied. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
The husband asked, "I notice you've been watching that man for sometime now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replied, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable," the husband replied. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
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