December 31, 2009
Dear Gramma ...
A Man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says ...
Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle it makes your nose look too short.
Love,
Grandma
Retirement Fun
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Nancy and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Nancy called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Well, for example, the other day Nancy and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Nancy called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Just Being Helpful ...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!"
"You're cooking too many at once,” he continued to rant. “TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!”
Without taking a breath he half shouted, “Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! Use the SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!"
"You're cooking too many at once,” he continued to rant. “TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!”
Without taking a breath he half shouted, “Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! Use the SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Live & Learn
During a commercial airline flight, a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum."
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Baked Democrat ...
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu …
+ Tourist: $5.oo
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.oo
+ Fried Explorer: $15.oo
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.oo
The cannibal asked to see the chef and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
+ Tourist: $5.oo
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.oo
+ Fried Explorer: $15.oo
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.oo
The cannibal asked to see the chef and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
December 30, 2009
Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her Mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Little Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in therein the first place ... smack his ass again!"
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her Mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Little Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in therein the first place ... smack his ass again!"
A Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or complain …
But this was a long time ago …
and it was just ONE day.
The End
But this was a long time ago …
and it was just ONE day.
The End
December 15, 2009
Call the IT Department
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
IT Help Desk: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
IT Help Desk: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse.
Caller : Mmmmm…… oh really?... I'll send a picture.
December 12, 2009
December 04, 2009
Bah Humbug
Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!
December 03, 2009
December 02, 2009
November 28, 2009
November 20, 2009
November 12, 2009
Public Service Message
In case we run out of masks during the H1N1 flu season, here is a ‘homemade’ mask you can make yourself. It is even compatible with the wearing of glasses.
One thing though ---MAKE SURE YOUR MASK IS CLEAN
-
****
If you wear thongs ... you are just SOL
November 08, 2009
November 07, 2009
October 29, 2009
A New Psalm
FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT ....PSALM 2009
***
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog ...
And Obama was a tree.
October 17, 2009
Political Correctness
I don't know how you feel, but in my opinion most of this country's problems have been brought on by this "cancerous" state of mind called "politically correct." I don't recall having these problems back when things were called what they were.
For those who are still searching for the definition of political correctness, allow me to offer this opinion: "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Doctor Visit
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. Somewhat breathlessly he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing now?”
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. Somewhat breathlessly he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing now?”
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
Too Long to Know ...
A reader in Maryland sent us a lengthy list of, “Things it took me too long to learn.”
Here are the more important ones:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
5. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Nugent Interview
While on a European tour, Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
Dear Sirs ....
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway.
**********
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle, all the time, on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
**********
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann
**********
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours as before,
Patrick Finnegan
**********
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle, all the time, on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
**********
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann
**********
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours as before,
Patrick Finnegan
Newspaper Classified
Farmington, UT 84025
For Sale - 2009 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fu*k you want," doesn't mean what I thought.
Call Steve
For Sale - 2009 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the fu*k you want," doesn't mean what I thought.
Call Steve
Medical Problem
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great ... that's really great ... Some asshole's got my pen.”
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great ... that's really great ... Some asshole's got my pen.”
Good Advice
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."
The Order of Silence
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine thought for a moment and then said, "Bed Hard."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine thought for a moment and then said, "Bed Hard."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
How to Make Them Happy
How Men can Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36 . Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36 . Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol
October 15, 2009
Washington Fashion?
So the question is ... is this the latest in Washington DC Fashion ... or was this a party for the Mexican President and SHE was the pinata?
But seriously folks ... how did those military aids keep a straight face?
But seriously folks ... how did those military aids keep a straight face?
October 12, 2009
A Sign of the Times?
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis.
By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
We Feel So Much Safter ...
The Chiquita, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
September 17, 2009
The Other Side
You know, there are some things that you just never think of ... like ...
Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side
Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side
September 09, 2009
Learning Chinese
Some people seem to think that Chinese is a difficult language to learn .... Not true. Read these translations out loud to learn just how simple it really is:
English …………………………………………..Chinese
That's not right ……..…..………..…….…..….. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?..…..…………...Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP …………………………………Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ..…..……..…………………...……Dum Fuk
Small Horse …………………………….……. Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ………………….....Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ..…..…………….Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ……………..…..….Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ……...……………...…….Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ..…..…..………...Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ………………...….…No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week …….Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight …………………………….Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile …………..…….Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ……………....…...Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ………………………………………...…..Fa Kin Su Pa
September 03, 2009
August 29, 2009
Uhhhh, Dave .....
I'm telling you, Kevin. This is what the man at the boat store told me to do.
Why not offer us YOUR caption?
Why not offer us YOUR caption?
August 25, 2009
Men's Views on Women and Marriage
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Socrates once said, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question ... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
I've had bad luck with both my wives..
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1.. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut up
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Socrates once said, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question ... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
I've had bad luck with both my wives..
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1.. Whenever you're wrong, admit it
2. Whenever you're right, shut up
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
August 23, 2009
Helpful Wife
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell," he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Lydia," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
"Lydia," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Long, Happy Life
A woman in India claims that she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking whiskey and smoking pot every day.
No one has the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35.
No one has the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35.
Mood Ring
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
A Child's Logic
A nursery school teacher was delivering a minivan full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Angry Granny
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" She asks.
"I'm having a heart attack", cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Donna is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten hag", screams the blonde. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
"What's up?" She asks.
"I'm having a heart attack", cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Donna is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten hag", screams the blonde. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Therapist Help
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable ... an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand ... embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week ... can you do this?"
The husband thought for moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand ... embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week ... can you do this?"
The husband thought for moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
August 22, 2009
Different Point of View
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Control Your Anger
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Help the United Way
The United Way realized that it had never received a Donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our Research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's' husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
Finishing, the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our Research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's' husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
Finishing, the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Healthcare in the News
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the wealthy woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
August 20, 2009
Confession is Good for You
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Miller?"
"Yes, Father, it is," answers the boy.
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Kathy Pajak?''
"I cannot say, Father."
"Was it Terri Shoulders?''
"I'll never tell."
'Was it Sharon Pool?''
"I'm sorry, but I just can't name her," Joey said strongly. "My lips are sealed."
'Was it Nancy Watters, then?''
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighed in frustration ..."You're very tight lipped and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew. His friend Franky slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?''
Joey smiles and says, "Four months vacation and four good leads."
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Miller?"
"Yes, Father, it is," answers the boy.
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Kathy Pajak?''
"I cannot say, Father."
"Was it Terri Shoulders?''
"I'll never tell."
'Was it Sharon Pool?''
"I'm sorry, but I just can't name her," Joey said strongly. "My lips are sealed."
'Was it Nancy Watters, then?''
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighed in frustration ..."You're very tight lipped and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew. His friend Franky slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?''
Joey smiles and says, "Four months vacation and four good leads."
August 19, 2009
Roses on Display
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate ....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds then I can display my hanging baskets.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate ....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds then I can display my hanging baskets.
Aging Comfort
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make certain that he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make certain that he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
August 18, 2009
ObamaCARE
New Program for Seniors ...
We would like to give credit to the producers of this "poster," but none were received from the person forwarding it to us.
August 17, 2009
Border Crossing
ATTENTION: ALL BORDER PATROL AGENTS...
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
What are You?
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, “I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. You know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”
The second guy says, “I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. You know ... Double Income, No Kids Yet.”
The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B. You know... Rich, Urban, Biker.”
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O. You know ... Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies, “I'm a WIFE. You know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain!"
The first guy says, “I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. You know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”
The second guy says, “I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. You know ... Double Income, No Kids Yet.”
The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B. You know... Rich, Urban, Biker.”
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O. You know ... Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies, “I'm a WIFE. You know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain!"
New Neighbor
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,”'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming … That was me.”
August 12, 2009
Third Marriage
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
Bail 'Em Out
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!
What a plan!
They failed and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!
What a plan!
Gas Attack
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
August 05, 2009
Survivor Texas
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The 9 contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo, from there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that reads:
"I'm Gay"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for Obama"
"George Strait Sucks"
"Hillary in 2012"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
God Bless Texas
The 9 contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo, from there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that reads:
"I'm Gay"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for Obama"
"George Strait Sucks"
"Hillary in 2012"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
God Bless Texas
August 03, 2009
August 01, 2009
Canned Milk
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family's dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in around the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"
OK ... Lighten up ... This is humor ... we doubt that it really happened ... it's humor
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in around the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"
OK ... Lighten up ... This is humor ... we doubt that it really happened ... it's humor
July 25, 2009
We just want you to be HAPPY
We want to pass on and “open letter” to one of the many brand managers that work for Procter & Gamble (probably the largest manufacturer of personal care products in the world)
February 6, 2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core* or Dri-Weave* absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aero-dynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boy-friend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always Maxi Pad. And there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness ... "actual smiling, laughing happiness" ... is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX…
No, we don’t know if it is actually a letter to P&G … but if you knowWendi, tell her we'd like to add her to the Funn-E-Stuff staff …
February 6, 2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core* or Dri-Weave* absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aero-dynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boy-friend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always Maxi Pad. And there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness ... "actual smiling, laughing happiness" ... is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX…
No, we don’t know if it is actually a letter to P&G … but if you knowWendi, tell her we'd like to add her to the Funn-E-Stuff staff …
Looking Glass
After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So on arriving back home he hung it in the barn. Then every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So on arriving back home he hung it in the barn. Then every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
Confessional
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during WorldWar II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.
"The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father," the old man said, “She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But, I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during WorldWar II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.
"The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father," the old man said, “She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But, I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Politically Correct
The Constitution does not specify how long the State of the Union address must be.
Do you know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever?
Bill Clinton.
Do you know who gave the shortest?
George Washington.
It was just a couple of minutes.
Well sure, when a politician can not tell a lie ... it limits how much they can say.
Do you know who gave the longest State of the Union address ever?
Bill Clinton.
Do you know who gave the shortest?
George Washington.
It was just a couple of minutes.
Well sure, when a politician can not tell a lie ... it limits how much they can say.
July 24, 2009
How Dry Is It?
It's so dry in Texas that:
the Baptist are baptizing by sprinkling,
the Methodist are using wet wipes,
the Presbyterians are handing out rain checks
and the Catholics are praying the wine turns back to water.
Now that's dry!
the Baptist are baptizing by sprinkling,
the Methodist are using wet wipes,
the Presbyterians are handing out rain checks
and the Catholics are praying the wine turns back to water.
Now that's dry!
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