Monday Mailer

It occured to us that we should post an entire Monday Mailer for
you to read and get a little of the flavor of our weekly newsletter.
The following is a Mailer from just about 2 years ago ...


Ola Monday … and Ola to you, the lucky subscribers to the Monday
Mailer. We are back with another edition of our attempt to keep you,
the un-funny in the world, informed as to what good humor really is.
We know that most of you struggle with the concept of being funny
because we have read the jokes you submit to us and it is pretty
clear that you are clueless. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just
someone that needs to leave being funny to professionals – like us.
We have a few new ones for you today and probably a few that have
been around for a while, but we’re guessing you won’t know the
difference.

Most of you know that we like to begin our weekly humor message
with what we call our “sign of the times” story. This week we report
something that may be more truth than fiction, but it is certainly a
sign of the times …

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "no."

The dispatcher told him that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
‘cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the
burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


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An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked
out a large box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's
very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get
sick. In fact, it could even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the
boy, but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill
your dog," the grocer said.

"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."

The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh? What was it then?" he asked.

"Mom said it was probably the spin cycle."


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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to
two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the roomin tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother."I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came
out" replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the Mom.
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."


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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this Deputy Sheriff. He was being cross-examined by a
defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to
under-mine the Deputy's credibility:

Q: "Officer...did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer...who provided this description?"

A: "An officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender? Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir...with my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have
a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer...if you trust your fellow officers with your
life...you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir...we share the building with the court complex, and
Sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!"

The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.


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As we do most weeks, we conclude the Monday Mailer with our “Old
Fart” story of the day. We thought this one was just too touching
not to pass along …

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna


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Enough for today ……
Be careful of that Spin Cycle ……