How to Install a Home Security System in the South

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Big Jim and me went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't
mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him
up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.

Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.