HUMAN HISTORY 101

Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began
some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the
summer and many would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in
winter. The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was
invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of
modern civilization and together were the catalysts for the splitting
of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required raising and harvesting grain,
and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early human
ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That is how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as The Conservative Movement. Other men who were weaker
and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B0Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of The Liberal Movement. Some
of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as "girlymen."

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs
and the concept of so-called "democratic" voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that Conservatives had prepared.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The jackass
symbolizes Liberals.

Some modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food (such as quiche)
are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of the Liberal
women have higher testosterone levels than the Liberal men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, government
staffers, welfare bums, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are Liberals.

Liberals invented the "designated hitter" rule because it wasn't "fair"
to make the pitcher also bat. Liberals also invented "political
correctness" to destroy the Freedom of Speech that Conservatives
have fought for all these years.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, military personnel, athletes and
generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who are
willing to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production provided by Conservatives.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans are.
That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when
Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals timidly crept in
after the Wild West was tame and they created the business of
trying to get MORE for nothing, including government handouts using
the money collected with taxes on the Conservatives who had worked
so hard to earn it.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.